Their Best Chance of Recovery Is You!

In family support groups such as Naranon, Alanon, and S-anon; we hear the words "Keep the focus on yourself!"and "Mind your own business" over and over again. Yet, at the same time, we hear the oldtimers in the meetings say that, although there are no guarantees of the addict's recovery, their best chance to recover comes from our working our own program, our getting recovered ourselves.

So, you may wonder, how can these two things go together? In other words, if I'm not in their business, running things, getting them to do things my way, how can I be the one to give them the best chance of recovery?

Good question - and here is how it works:

Before we understand our problem (the disease of co-addiction), the solution (sanity), and the plan of action (such as the 12 steps of recovery), all we know is that our loved one is suffering, and so we suffer along with them and try with all our might to fix things for them. We watch them get sicker and sicker, and we ourselves often get crazier and crazier as we try to fix their problem by trying to make them stop using.

Sooner or later, we see that what we are doing does not work. Our resentment grows as we see that not only do they not get better, but they are mad at us for all that we do to try to help. And, as we go down the tubes emotionally and mentally from the stress and strain of the situation, the rest of the world (our other relatives, friends, and people at work and in the neighborhood) sees our deterioration and judges us for it and for putting up with this crazy spouse or child or sibling or parent who is putting us through so much.

So, we come into the rooms or arrive at our coach's door with less of our self-esteem intact than we'd like to have and enough self-righteous indignation to cause an explosion. We feel at once like our loved one's using is both not our fault and  completely our fault.

After awhile, we come to understand that our addict's addiction is not our fault. But, we also begin to see that if we continue to control and enable them in the ways we have been, we may actually be contributing to their inability to get well. At the same time, we learn that if we focus on our own recovery diligently, we will become powerful role models of sane and happy living who our addicts want to emulate, rather than fight or run from.

What does this mean and how does it work?

With each action and interaction, people affect each other. When your addict uses you feel terrible. When you try to help them and are not successful, the natural tendency is to try harder. This push against their behavior causes them to push back even harder. In other words, 'that which we resist persists.'

You may have experienced this in your own life. You have a habit that irritates someone you love. They bug you about it, and if the habit is deeply imbedded in your psyche, you probably find that it becomes even harder to break the more they bug you. And, if they get more insistent and you become less able to fight the urge they are pressing you about, you may even find yourself getting angry at them for bugging you about breaking a habit that you would LIKE to break, but simply can't.

At this point, a cycle of you engaging in the habit, them fighting you and you getting mad at them begins. The worse it gets, the more imbedded the habit gets and the less you are able or even inclined to focus on your role in getting rid of the habit. Instead, you are spending all of your energy fighting the person or people who are bugging you about changing. This is human nature: 'that which you resist persists' and is also at the core of the relationship between the addict and the co-addict when that relationship is NOT working.

Recovery disentangles the dysfunctional web of push-pull and replaces it with tools for detachment that allow you to let go of the addict's behavior and serve as a mirror instead of as an adversary in his or her life.

Imagine, if when your loved one noticed your habit (the one that was driving them crazy), instead of bugging you about it, they simply noticed it, described what they were seeing without judgment, and offered you support while also respecting your own ability to choose next steps. Imagine if, instead of judging, nagging and pushing you to change, they simply let you know what their boundaries were around the behavior. Suddenly, you would have to look at yourself because there would be no one to blame for nagging you...

Sometimes it helps to see the relationship we have with our using loved one as just a more extreme example of any relationship where one person wants another to change. When we can put ourselves into our addict's shoes, the whole process of learning how to detach, how to be a mirror, how to keep the focus on our own lives and how to respect their life choices while protecting ourselves by setting up boundaries, can become easier to understand and implement.

These are the behaviors that will change the nature of your relationship with your addict. But make no mistake, doing so is simple, but not easy. It takes discipline, support, and the ability to look at oneself as an imperfect, vulnerable person with quirks, habits, and defects as well.

The 12 steps and the 12 step support groups provide one very clear path to help you develop a plan of action that will allow you to keep the focus on yourself in ways that increase your potentially positive impact on your addict. Having a coach to work with can supplement your work in your support group, potentially accelerating your growth.

By diving deeply into recovery, with all of yourself, you become your best self, regardless of whether the addict is using or not. You learn how to effectively implement the tools of recovery in your relationship with your addict and as a result, your life gets better and, though there are no guarantees, YOU become your addict's best chance to recover.

Have a wonderful week and enjoy the holiday season one blessed moment at a time.

See you next week!

Recovery Coach Bev

Readers, please note:
These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping Families of Addicts Find Their Way

786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/  
http://www.familyrecoverycoach.blogspot.com/ (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/ (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/  (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

What if I say or do the wrong thing?

With the holidays here for some and approaching for others, opportunities to interact with  family members may inevitably lead us to to say or do some unhelpful and even unloving things to the addicts we love.

It's not just possible, it's probable. Why? Well, I guess there could be many reasons:
1.Maybe we just don't know the right thing to say or do.
2. Old habits die hard.
3. We are human.
4. Sometimes we do know what is best to say but we are so caught up in the situation we are in with our addict, that we succumb to the feelings of desperation, worry and fear that course through our minds and bodies in the form of negative thought projections.

So what's a family member to do to prevent the problem and to fix it when it happens?

Well, just as addicts have slips, so too do family members. And just as addicts have to get used to watching themselves have and then let go of thoughts of using if they are to stay sober, we too have to get used to watching ourselves have and then let go of thoughts of horrible endings that can lead us to nagging, harranguing, questioning, and verbally taunting our addicts, if we are to abstain from these behaviors and enjoy peaceful loving relationships with those around us.

But, you may say, what if I'm afraid my addict is using or getting him or herself into a situation or lifestyle that is putting him/her on the path to great danger and the thoughts overpower me? Or what if I am being disrespected? Don't I have to say something? To do something?

These are excellent questions. To answer them, let's talk for a moment about a few things: Thoughts, fears, what helps, and what does not.

First, on thoughts:
Thoughts are not facts. They are simply sentences strung together in our minds that move through quickly, making room for the next thoughts coming after them. Think of them as clouds moving through the sky. Left to their own devices they come and they go. Ever sit and watch your thoughts? To do so provides a wonderful experience as it shows us first hand how we are more than our thoughts. We are the one watching the thoughts. Just as the clouds are not the sky, but are in the sky, moving through it; our thoughts are not us, they are simply moving through us. We produce them ad nauseum and can choose which ones to focus on and act on, if we realize this simple idea: Thoughts are usually not important unless and until we give them importance by focusing our energy and attention on them.

So what does this mean in terms of our relationship to our addicts? Being in relationship with an alcoholic or addict of any kind is one of life's great challenges in that it has the potential to send our thoughts flying with questions of 'what if' and 'what then' that can drive even a calm person crazy. Yet, most of these thoughts, though emotion-filled and potentially true, will not help our addict if we use them to ask a million questions, question behaviors, watch them like a hawk, or otherwise harrass or harrangue them.

Instead, all it does to make these thoughts primary in our minds is to make us crazier and crazier, and drive a wedge between us and the addict that makes life harder and harder for us, for them, and for the relationship.

And yet, most people who love addicts find themselves impaired in some way by the experience and dysfunctional in the way they relate to their addict. It is life depleting to watch a person you love hurt themselves (and those around them) and not be able to do anything about it. But there are things you can do about those thoughts you have that are telling you how dire your situation is.

A few of them include:
1. Taking some deep slow breaths and bringing your mind back to the present moment and away from the roller coaster ride of what if's and what then's.
2. Go to a support group meeting (see the list below) where you will find others like you who have found a better way to live their life than being tied up in knots over their addict.
3. Keep in mind the slogans of the 12 step programs such as: 'One Day at a Time', 'Easy Does It', 'Stay in Present Time', 'How Important Is It? Does it Affect Your Breathing? If not, it's not that important.'
4. Remember that thoughts are not facts. Just because you have a scary thought does not mean it is something you need to act on. And even if it is factual, it may not be yours to deal with. It's okay to respect other people's ability to take responsibility for their own life.

Which brings us to the next thing: FEAR. In the 12 step programs, fear is known as:
F - False
E - Expectations
A - Appearing
R - Real

This is particularly important for co-addicts to remember as we can use this understanding to help us keep the fears that run through our minds in perspective. When we let our fears run our minds, they have more of a chance of running our lives. So again, the importance of  remembering that we are not our thoughts, and our thoughts are not reality unless we decide to give them the power to dictate all that we believe and act on. This brings us to our next subject: when it comes to dealing with an addict, what helps and what doesn't?

Well, if you have been reading this blog over the past several months, you may have noticed that most of what helps happens between our two ears. When we admit our powerless over the addict, step one of the 12 steps, we put into motion a whole new perspective on our lives and what we do have power over and that, my friends, is clearly, ourselves.

While we are powerless over people outside of ourselves, we do have the power to change how we view them, how we view our role in our own and their lives, and then to take action based on that new understanding.

For instance, let's talk about observing our thoughts. This is actually a discipline that people literally spend lifetimes practicing, to great benefit. One of the things it is known as is mindfulness meditation. When we meditate mindfully, we are allowing ourselves to observe our breath, our thoughts, the sounds we hear, our bodies, and the world around and within us without judgment. We simply watch, listen, and experience life at each present moment. One can take classes to learn to meditate or use a book or CD to do so. Whatever the vehicle of learning, the practice itself has the effect of calming the mind significantly and allowing the meditator to begin to tell the difference between sanity and insanity in his/her own mind. It is a powerful way to begin each day with benefits that carry over throughout the moments of the day more and more with each day of practice.

As also mentioned above, it is crucial, in this work of 'being there' for ourselves and our addicts, to have others to talk to who understand and will bring us back to our senses when we get off track. For people in the 12 step programs, getting a sponsor who has been there and walked the path you are trying to walk is crucial. Getting a recovery coach can greatly help as well. A coach can ask you questions that will bring you to deeper understandings of yourself in relation to yourself, your addict, and your life.

As one client described it, "When working with my coach, the assignments she gave me helped me to  suddenly remember lots of things that my addict had done that I had somehow forgotten." (As they say, 'Denial is not just a river in Egypt!') By gathering all of these incidents together into a list,  the client was able to work with his coach to develop a plan of how he would speak with his addict in a way that would be helpful rather than harmful. It was the beginning of the end of active addiction in that household.

Finally, what do you do if you have said or done something you know or have since learned was not the best thing to say or do?

As a renowned addiction therapist once said in answer to a client's guilt  and shame about past behaviors in the client's life,  "Some of these things you just have to flush."

And indeed, sometimes we just have to face it. We may cherish or revile our stories of pain, suffering, martyrdom and even guilt so much that we feel we have to think about them over and over again in order to keep the story alive within us. But maybe it is time to flush the guilt, the shame, the pain, the poor me story. Maybe it is time to watch the thoughts that tell us that the sky is falling and give them no more attention than thoughts that say the grass is purple. Maybe it is time to become so grounded in each moment, in each ray of sunshine, each blade of grass, each in and out breath, each step we take on the pavement of life that we no longer have attention to give to thoughts of suffering, self-pity and worry.

This is not to say we forget about our addict or 'the situation' but that we put it in its proper perspective by going to meetings, praying and meditating, sharing what's going on in our lives with other people who understand what it means to live with and love an addict and will listen and give us constructive feedback that will help us grow.

The other day I went to a meeting where the topic hit me below the belt and I shared some fears of the future that I had been allowing to fester within me over the past few days. At that meeting were four wonderful people who I'd been mentoring. One after the other, they shared with me the exact words I needed to hear....'Stay in present time. One day at a time. Stop projecting and live in the moment. Let go and let God.' I needed to be listened to, which they did, and to be put back on track, which they did.

I go to meetings, share with others, sponsor and get sponsored, and get coached not only in order to avoid making the same old mistakes in my relationships with my loved ones, but also to bounce back more quickly when I do. This is how it works. When we are honest, open, and willing to change, we grow. As an old timer I know used to say, it's a matter of 'practice, practice; fall, fall; practice, practice; fall fall..."
And so it goes.

We are called to progress, not to be perfect. And if we are willing, we will change, and we will progress.

Have a wonderful week and enjoy the holiday season one blessed moment at a time.

See you next week!

Recovery Coach Bev

Readers, please note:


These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping People in Recovery Find Their Way
786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/ (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/ (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/ (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

Related articles by Zemanta

• 4 Quick Mindfulness Techniques (psychcentral.com)
• How Do I Meditate (slideshare.net)
• You Just Need to Hear it (24hourparadigm.com)

The Pitfalls of Early Recovery and How to Avoid Them

Ever meet the parent or spouse of someone in treatment?

On the one hand, they may look like someone who just got hit by a truck - still traumatized by the months or years of struggle with their addict. On the other, they have a sense of peace when they tell you "At least now I don't worry day and night about where they are or who they are with. They're in treatment, they are safe. I can sleep at night - finally!"

And after detox is over and the addict has had a few weeks to adjust and begin thinking clearly, you might even see a glimmer of hope in the parent or spouse's eye when they tell you how great their addict looks and feels and talks while in treatment - "They seem to have a whole new lease on life!" or "It's like having my old son/husband/daughter/wife back again!"

But, underlying it all is that fear, that old feeling, of waiting for the other shoe to drop...especially if this isn't their loved one's first treatment or if the family member has sat in 12 step or treatment center meetings and heard the horror stories of people relapsing almost as soon as they get out..."Well, there are no guarantees. This seems too good to be true and it just may be..." Then, once the addict gets out of treatment, far too many times, it does prove too good to be true...In fact, many an addict has said, "It was so easy to stay sober when I was in treatment...But dealing with the real world is a whole  other story..."

Indeed, this nightmare of making it out the doors and into the arms of one's dealer or local liquor store clerk, happens far too often - often not immediately after treatment, but often within the first few months. And what a difficult first few months they often are of navigating aftercare, 12 step meetings, halfway houses, finding a sponsor, home life, job search or readjustment, family relationships... and all of this without one's drug of choice!

So, what is there to do to help addicts and alcoholics stay sober once they get out of treatment?

Over the past few years, as the field of coaching has evolved, a specialized group of recovery coaches has emerged to help solve just that problem.

These recovery coaches, often few and far between, but extremely dedicated, work closely with family, addict, treatment center and other facilities in contact with the addict, to smoothe the transition from treatment to aftercare 12 step program to halfway house to home to job or school and back into the 'real world'.

Often, a person's recovery coach is the one person who stays the same in a world of shifting helpers and services that the addict faces as they move from active addiction into recovery.
Often hired by the family to work directly with the addict, a recovery coach may come into play before sobriety to help the addict get into treatment, or even toward the end of treatment, when transitional issues begin to arise.
The coach's job is to get to know the individual and help them go within themselves to:

• discover the goals they want/need to reach 
• develop an action plan to reach those goals 
• take the step-by-step actions necessary to fulfill the goals and action plan.

The coach is specially trained to form an interactive partnership  with the client that serves as a springboard and a home base as the client navigates the challenges and changes confronting him or her along the way. The value of this relationship has become so evident that currently, several states are training people they call Recovery Support Specialists to help bring addicts off the streets, get them the services they need and move from stage to stage of the recovery process.

Not therapists, recovery coaches help the client deal with the day to day obstacles that get in their way of staying clean and sober. Often, recovery coaches are in touch with the treatment center to insure a smoothe thread of services and communication on the client's behalf.

Indeed, recovery coaches meet a need the family, and addict yearn for, but that many families cannot provide directly for their loved ones, either because of strains in the relationship or due to physical distance. Family members often hire recovery coaches to help their addicts beat the odds. While there are no guarantees with this disease, recovery coaches can and do give their clients a point of continual contact - and that can be the difference an individual needs to make it in the daunting world of early recovery!

Readers, please note:

These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping People in Recovery Find Their Way
786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/  (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/  (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/   (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

Related articles by Zemanta

• Author Marcy Hawkins Presents Addiction Recovery Resources to Change Lives in Her New Book "Decision" (prweb.com)
• In Philadelphia, Battling Addiction With Those Who Know It Best (nytimes.com)
• A new Dating site, for people in recovery (mt-soft.com.ar)
• Passages to Recovery to Host 2nd Annual Systemic Family Intervention Training (prweb.com)

Stay in Present Time!

The Mind Can Only Focus On One Thing At A Time.


So, anytime you find your mind moving toward obsessing about something or someone that you know is not best for you to pursue, shift your focus to the present moment, watch your breath as it moves in and out of your body, and state what you are doing at that moment (washing the dishes, walking the dog, etc.).

Focus your attention on the task in front of you and simply say what you are doing out loud such as “I am now peeling the carrot” or “I am now placing my hands around this cup and raising it to my mouth.” Be clear and specific and listen to what you are saying as you focus on your words and on what you are doing.

Make a list of all of the things you enjoy doing and do one of them with your attention focusing on whatever it is you choose, as stated above. Below are some of the present moment tasks you might choose to use this exercise with, but the point is, you can bring yourself into the present moment with this exercise anytime you find your mind obsessing about anything. Simply breathe in and out slowly and deliberately and state what you are doing aloud.

The more you interrupt your obsessive thoughts with this exercise, the more present-moment- focused you will become and the less your obsessive thoughts will be able to run you!

1. Play a game with your child.

2. Read a book.

3. Play a game of solitaire .

4. Take a walk.

5. Bathe the dog.

6. Sing a song.

7. Go to a meeting.

8. Watch a movie.

9. Have a cup of tea.

10. Write in your journal.

11. Take several deep slow breaths

12. Do a series of stretching exercises and clear your mind.

13. Write a story, a play, a poem, a song or a book.

14. Draw or paint a picture.

15. Create a quilt or dress focusing on the in and out of each thread as it moves through the fabric.

16. Make a phone call to someone in your support network.

17. Take a bath or a shower.

18. Get a massage.

19. Wash your car.

20. Clean your house.

21. Use a toothbrush to clean the tiles in the bathroom.

22. Vacuum your carpet.

23. Clean the windows in your house.

24. Have a good cry.

25. Write a letter to the person or addiction, read it to your coach, sponsor, or other support person and then rip it up.

26. Kick a soccer ball around.

27. Play a game of tennis.

28. Go to the gym.

29. Get an EMDR treatment.

30. Read some 12 step literature.

31. Work your steps.

32. Teach your child a new skill.

33. Practice patience with your child and notice yourself doing so.

34. Watch reruns of your favorite TV show.

35. Add more ideas to this list and add them to your day.

36. Enjoy your life.

37. Write a gratitude list.

38. Say the Serenity Prayer.

39. Join a club or organization that does fun things together so you can meet other people.

40. Do volunteer work.

41. Get a job.

42. Join Parents Without Partners.

43. Live your life fully by staying in present time, one moment at a time!

by Beverly A. Buncher, The Empowerment Coach

Recovery Coaching to Help You Find Your Way!

www.theempowermentcoach.net

786 859 4050

Is There Hope For My Addict?

Is there hope for my addict?

What a question. Everyone who’s ever loved an addict has simultaneously asked and not dared to ask this question. And so the answer is, "Of course there is hope." As long as he or she is alive there is hope. But then the next question is the tricky one: So what can I do to help? (I being the person asking the question – the wife, husband, mother, sister, child, friend, co-worker, etc.)

The best thing any of us can do to help our addicts is to get help ourselves. Getting help for ourselves? You may ask. What’s up with that? I’m fine. It’s my addict who is crazy. What kind of help do I need?

The cold hard facts about how those affected by the addiction of a loved one will end up, are not too different from those that describe an addict's possible fates. Just as there are only four ends for an addict: Jail, Institution, Death, or Recovery; so, too for the family member.

Whereas for the addict it looks like this:

Jail – for breaking the law while under the influence

Institution (Inpatient Mental Health Facility) – because the drugs or alcohol have so toxified their mind that they are no longer living in the real world or wish to kill themselves

Death – due to overdose, cirrhosis of the liver, heart attack, bullet wound, or other fatal attack to their body

Recovery – which happens when they take personal responsibility for their life and turn it around

For the family member it can play out as:

Jail – because we kill them for all "they have done to us”

Institution (Inpatient Mental Health Facility) – because “they have driven us crazy"

Death – only we die of a broken heart or a stress-related illness

Recovery – which happens when we put the focus on ourselves and decide to move forward toward a healthy mindset, whether the addict continues to use or not.

I’ll never forget the first time someone told me about the four ends of an addict. I was sobbing on the phone about my person of concern’s behavior, going on and on about what they were doing to themself, to me, to our finances, etc. When I stopped to get a breath, the person I was talking to, said, “Well, you know, you really have no control over what will happen to them. In fact, there are only 4 possible ends to an addict and, we really have no idea if your addict will be one God uses as an example of the possibilities of recovery or of the consequences of unabated use.”

Her words shocked and stung me. My tears stopped and anger filled my heart and mind. I slammed the phone down and told myself I would never talk to her again.

But then, as I gave her message time to sink in, I recalled the rest of what she said: “So, the only guarantee for you, the only thing you will absolutely be able to count on, is, that if you decide to work a recovery program, you will be okay. Your life will move forward. You will no longer be in constant inner turmoil and filled with dread and anxiety.”

Then she added, “And the best chance your family member has to get well, is for you to be so busy working on your own recovery that you begin to serve as a role model of recovery rather than as a nag and hindrance to theirs.”

Of course, I didn’t see myself as a hindrance, but I did have to admit that all of my best efforts had not achieved my goal of sobriety for my addict.

And so, I began, in earnest, to get the help I needed for me. In time, I learned how to communicate more effectively with my addict and the people around me. I learned how to not let things well up within me so that they came out shrill and angry, but rather calm and thought provoking. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to build a life for myself that I was slowly but surely learning how to live with joy and fulfillment, regardless of other people’s behaviors.

This is the journey of recovery for us: It is a road packed with ups and downs, ins and outs, highs and lows. But is is a journey we can take and improve upon and grow from and impact on and cherish as long as we work with the principles of recovery and apply them to ourselves on a daily basis.

Over the years, I have had a wonderful sponsor who has guided me; I have, just as the Big Book of AA promises “watched a fellowship build around me”, and I have, from time to time, hired helpers in the form of coaches, therapists, and spiritual guides to assist me on my journey.

I became a recovery coach to help others on their journey. I still believe that we, the family members, are our addicts’ best hope for recovery. Not because we make them get better. Rather because we get better ourselves and when we do that everything around us is affected. By keeping the focus on ourselves, we learn about what it means to have healthy interactions with others as well. And that is transformative.

As it says in the Naranon Blue Book: “Myself I can change. Others I can only love.”

Please note:

These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/  
* http://www.gamanon.org/  
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping People in Recovery Find Their Way
786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/ 
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/ (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/ (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/ (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

Related articles by Zemanta

• Support for Jewish addicts (thestar.com)
• In Philadelphia, Battling Addiction With Those Who Know It Best (nytimes.com)

Attitude of Gratitude

Gratitude, the theme of Thanksgiving day, can be hard to conjure when the world around us seems to be falling apart due to addiction and its consequences. But conjure it we must. Not only because of the holiday, but even more because it is one of the keys to the castle of serenity and well-being that is our birthright whether or not the addict is drinking or drugging.

I've heard it said that 'gratitude is the plug into the power of the universe' and I believe this to be true. When I begin my day with gratitude, I feel a surge of energy and happiness, a reminder of that which is good and right in my life and in the universe, no matter what is going on.

Let's face it: When things are tough for any reason (addiction, finances, lost job, lost love, the state of the world, etc.), it can be difficult to put the focus on what is going right. Yet, that's when it is so important to do so. The old saying 'That which you put your attention to grows stronger in your life' is more than a truism. Everytime we break through the negativity in our lives and put our attention on what's going right, we give strength to that rightness in our hearts and minds, and the rightness, the things we are grateful for expand in our lives.

But don't believe me. Try it for yourself. Begin each day with a list of the people, places, and things you are grateful for. Find at least five things each day and watch your list grow as you increase the power of your attention to the people, places, and things that bring you joy! Do it for 25 days. Start with just doing it in the morning and feel free to send your lists to this blog as comments!

Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy the day by keeping the focus on you and what you are grateful for.

With Love and Thanksgiving for all of you in my life!

Recovery Coach Bev
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
786 859 4050

Related articles by Zemanta

• Give Thanks (ismckenzie.com)
• Success Habit - Every Day is Thanksgiving (myventurepad.com)
• An Attitude of Gratitude (salazarpackaging.com)

THINK

What does this 12 slogan mean when it comes to living, loving, and/or working with an addict?

To think is to breathe deeply and to allow first impulses to pass before determining action. This is extremely important when it comes to dealing with a person under the influence or recovering from being under the influence.

It is in fact, the difference between reacting and responding, going off the handle and staying calm, being at effect or being at cause.

Let's take an example: Let's say the person you care about (who happens to be an addict or alcoholic) just made a decision to spend all of your savings on a second honeymoon for the two of you in Hawaii. Naturally, you may be filled with conflicting emotions: romanticism, nostalgia for when you could actually afford such a trip, anger that they would even think of investing your emergency fund in a two week vacation, frustration at their impulsivity, sadness that you cannot afford this wonderful trip plus be able to save for a rainy day, madness that they made such an important decision without consulting you.

So, what do you do?

For many codependents, we are so used to having to react quickly to situations, that we simply freak out, say whatever comes to our minds, impulsively say yes and then no, no and then yes, etc...

But what does THINK guide us to do?

Stop for a moment and breathe slowly, deeply, deliberately. Let it sink in. Watch all of the thoughts of anger, criticism, happiness, sadness, fear, etc., pass.

We may say the Serenity Prayer in order to center ourselves within. (God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.)

Then, we might just say something, like, "Wow. This is huge. Let me take a moment to think about this one. You made a big decision there. I've got to take this one in."

And if necessary, more breaths and centering.

THINK is like that. It's a STOP sign we put up in front of our mouths, while our hearts and minds take in what we have just heard or seen.

At that point, we may feel calm enough to share how we feel about the situation, calmly and lovingly, or we may say something like, "That is an interesting idea. I need some time to think about it. Do me a favor and don't reserve the tickets until I have some times to gather my thoughts, okay?"

Handling a situation calmly gives you time to respond fully, thoughtfully, and carefully, while allowing you to treat your loved one with dignity and respect. Once you have had that time, whether five minutes, five hours, or five days, you will have a completely different perspective than you had in the heat of the moment. You will be able to use "I" statements and "you" messages in a calm tone of voice that reflects the serenity you have worked to maintain through your prayer and meditation life. You might say, calmly and lovingly, "Honey, when you make a decision for the two of us without consulting me and with our funds so limited, I feel touched that you want to spend time with me in such a special place, and at the same time, extremely worried about our finances, and even angry not to have had a voice in the decision."

For many of us, responding in such a calm, detached way feels like it would be difficult and even fake. But when the alternative is a bunch of expletives and anger spewed out that could damage the relationship even further than it already is damaged, writing down and even rehearsing a loving response to the impulsive irratic behavior our addicts sometimes exhibit, is really not a bad idea. What we are doing is going from reacting (just saying whatever hits us at the time) to responding (hearing, listening deeply, thinking, reflecting, and then giving our ideas and feelings in a thoughtful, loving manner).

But what if the situation demands an immediate response? What if your loved one shows up completely drunk or high and you need to act quickly? Again, THINK can come in handy.

Take that deep breath before you open your mind. Remember the tools you have in your arsenal such as First Things First, How Important Is It?, Easy Does It, The Serenity Prayer.

Even when you must respond quickly, the key is to THINK first, to gather your inner resources and to RESPOND, not react, to the circumstance.

It is possible to be a loving person, even in a difficult situation, but not when you are allowing your impulses to take over.

You may be angry or sad to see your loved one in such bad shape, but that does not give you the right to call them every name in the book or to put them down. Even if it did give you that right, it wouldn't do any good. Remember, talking to someone who is under the influence is like talking to a wall. Rather, you might do anything from showing them the door, to giving them a sofa to sleep on, getting yourself and your children away from them, to calling the cops. Each situation will warrant a different response. And it is your frame of mind, your ability to collect yourself by taking that moment to get spiritually centered and THINKING on your feet, that will allow you to handle the situation with your God-given dignity and grace, rather than returning insanity with insanity. While you are taking that moment, you may take the phone, go into another room, and call your sponsor (12 step guide) or your coach to get another perspective from someone not directly affected by the situation.

Living, loving or working with a person addicted to a harmful substance or behavior can be one of life's greatest challenges. Using the tools of the 12 step programs to develop our inner calm and awareness, can make it one of life's greatest gifts.

So the next time you are confronted with a difficult situation, in your face, try to THINK rather than just react, use your tools to respond with your inner dignity and grace intact.

In the meantime, have a wonderful week and Keep the Focus on You!


All the best!

Beverly Buncher
aka Recovery Coach Bev
786 859 4050
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net



Please note:
These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with food for thought. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* www.alanon.org
* www.nar-anon.org
* www.gamanon.org
* www.s-anon.org

There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you would benefit, give me a call or send an email and let's have an introductory, no-obligation session.

Related articles by Zemanta

• 5 Clues You Should Be Letting Go of Something (psychcentral.com)
• Avoiding the Angry Reply: Airing Your Dirty Laundry Online (psychcentral.com)