Their Best Chance of Recovery Is You!

In family support groups such as Naranon, Alanon, and S-anon; we hear the words "Keep the focus on yourself!"and "Mind your own business" over and over again. Yet, at the same time, we hear the oldtimers in the meetings say that, although there are no guarantees of the addict's recovery, their best chance to recover comes from our working our own program, our getting recovered ourselves.

So, you may wonder, how can these two things go together? In other words, if I'm not in their business, running things, getting them to do things my way, how can I be the one to give them the best chance of recovery?

Good question - and here is how it works:

Before we understand our problem (the disease of co-addiction), the solution (sanity), and the plan of action (such as the 12 steps of recovery), all we know is that our loved one is suffering, and so we suffer along with them and try with all our might to fix things for them. We watch them get sicker and sicker, and we ourselves often get crazier and crazier as we try to fix their problem by trying to make them stop using.

Sooner or later, we see that what we are doing does not work. Our resentment grows as we see that not only do they not get better, but they are mad at us for all that we do to try to help. And, as we go down the tubes emotionally and mentally from the stress and strain of the situation, the rest of the world (our other relatives, friends, and people at work and in the neighborhood) sees our deterioration and judges us for it and for putting up with this crazy spouse or child or sibling or parent who is putting us through so much.

So, we come into the rooms or arrive at our coach's door with less of our self-esteem intact than we'd like to have and enough self-righteous indignation to cause an explosion. We feel at once like our loved one's using is both not our fault and  completely our fault.

After awhile, we come to understand that our addict's addiction is not our fault. But, we also begin to see that if we continue to control and enable them in the ways we have been, we may actually be contributing to their inability to get well. At the same time, we learn that if we focus on our own recovery diligently, we will become powerful role models of sane and happy living who our addicts want to emulate, rather than fight or run from.

What does this mean and how does it work?

With each action and interaction, people affect each other. When your addict uses you feel terrible. When you try to help them and are not successful, the natural tendency is to try harder. This push against their behavior causes them to push back even harder. In other words, 'that which we resist persists.'

You may have experienced this in your own life. You have a habit that irritates someone you love. They bug you about it, and if the habit is deeply imbedded in your psyche, you probably find that it becomes even harder to break the more they bug you. And, if they get more insistent and you become less able to fight the urge they are pressing you about, you may even find yourself getting angry at them for bugging you about breaking a habit that you would LIKE to break, but simply can't.

At this point, a cycle of you engaging in the habit, them fighting you and you getting mad at them begins. The worse it gets, the more imbedded the habit gets and the less you are able or even inclined to focus on your role in getting rid of the habit. Instead, you are spending all of your energy fighting the person or people who are bugging you about changing. This is human nature: 'that which you resist persists' and is also at the core of the relationship between the addict and the co-addict when that relationship is NOT working.

Recovery disentangles the dysfunctional web of push-pull and replaces it with tools for detachment that allow you to let go of the addict's behavior and serve as a mirror instead of as an adversary in his or her life.

Imagine, if when your loved one noticed your habit (the one that was driving them crazy), instead of bugging you about it, they simply noticed it, described what they were seeing without judgment, and offered you support while also respecting your own ability to choose next steps. Imagine if, instead of judging, nagging and pushing you to change, they simply let you know what their boundaries were around the behavior. Suddenly, you would have to look at yourself because there would be no one to blame for nagging you...

Sometimes it helps to see the relationship we have with our using loved one as just a more extreme example of any relationship where one person wants another to change. When we can put ourselves into our addict's shoes, the whole process of learning how to detach, how to be a mirror, how to keep the focus on our own lives and how to respect their life choices while protecting ourselves by setting up boundaries, can become easier to understand and implement.

These are the behaviors that will change the nature of your relationship with your addict. But make no mistake, doing so is simple, but not easy. It takes discipline, support, and the ability to look at oneself as an imperfect, vulnerable person with quirks, habits, and defects as well.

The 12 steps and the 12 step support groups provide one very clear path to help you develop a plan of action that will allow you to keep the focus on yourself in ways that increase your potentially positive impact on your addict. Having a coach to work with can supplement your work in your support group, potentially accelerating your growth.

By diving deeply into recovery, with all of yourself, you become your best self, regardless of whether the addict is using or not. You learn how to effectively implement the tools of recovery in your relationship with your addict and as a result, your life gets better and, though there are no guarantees, YOU become your addict's best chance to recover.

Have a wonderful week and enjoy the holiday season one blessed moment at a time.

See you next week!

Recovery Coach Bev

Readers, please note:
These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping Families of Addicts Find Their Way

786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/  
http://www.familyrecoverycoach.blogspot.com/ (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/ (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/  (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

The Pitfalls of Early Recovery and How to Avoid Them

Ever meet the parent or spouse of someone in treatment?

On the one hand, they may look like someone who just got hit by a truck - still traumatized by the months or years of struggle with their addict. On the other, they have a sense of peace when they tell you "At least now I don't worry day and night about where they are or who they are with. They're in treatment, they are safe. I can sleep at night - finally!"

And after detox is over and the addict has had a few weeks to adjust and begin thinking clearly, you might even see a glimmer of hope in the parent or spouse's eye when they tell you how great their addict looks and feels and talks while in treatment - "They seem to have a whole new lease on life!" or "It's like having my old son/husband/daughter/wife back again!"

But, underlying it all is that fear, that old feeling, of waiting for the other shoe to drop...especially if this isn't their loved one's first treatment or if the family member has sat in 12 step or treatment center meetings and heard the horror stories of people relapsing almost as soon as they get out..."Well, there are no guarantees. This seems too good to be true and it just may be..." Then, once the addict gets out of treatment, far too many times, it does prove too good to be true...In fact, many an addict has said, "It was so easy to stay sober when I was in treatment...But dealing with the real world is a whole  other story..."

Indeed, this nightmare of making it out the doors and into the arms of one's dealer or local liquor store clerk, happens far too often - often not immediately after treatment, but often within the first few months. And what a difficult first few months they often are of navigating aftercare, 12 step meetings, halfway houses, finding a sponsor, home life, job search or readjustment, family relationships... and all of this without one's drug of choice!

So, what is there to do to help addicts and alcoholics stay sober once they get out of treatment?

Over the past few years, as the field of coaching has evolved, a specialized group of recovery coaches has emerged to help solve just that problem.

These recovery coaches, often few and far between, but extremely dedicated, work closely with family, addict, treatment center and other facilities in contact with the addict, to smoothe the transition from treatment to aftercare 12 step program to halfway house to home to job or school and back into the 'real world'.

Often, a person's recovery coach is the one person who stays the same in a world of shifting helpers and services that the addict faces as they move from active addiction into recovery.
Often hired by the family to work directly with the addict, a recovery coach may come into play before sobriety to help the addict get into treatment, or even toward the end of treatment, when transitional issues begin to arise.
The coach's job is to get to know the individual and help them go within themselves to:

• discover the goals they want/need to reach 
• develop an action plan to reach those goals 
• take the step-by-step actions necessary to fulfill the goals and action plan.

The coach is specially trained to form an interactive partnership  with the client that serves as a springboard and a home base as the client navigates the challenges and changes confronting him or her along the way. The value of this relationship has become so evident that currently, several states are training people they call Recovery Support Specialists to help bring addicts off the streets, get them the services they need and move from stage to stage of the recovery process.

Not therapists, recovery coaches help the client deal with the day to day obstacles that get in their way of staying clean and sober. Often, recovery coaches are in touch with the treatment center to insure a smoothe thread of services and communication on the client's behalf.

Indeed, recovery coaches meet a need the family, and addict yearn for, but that many families cannot provide directly for their loved ones, either because of strains in the relationship or due to physical distance. Family members often hire recovery coaches to help their addicts beat the odds. While there are no guarantees with this disease, recovery coaches can and do give their clients a point of continual contact - and that can be the difference an individual needs to make it in the daunting world of early recovery!

Readers, please note:

These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping People in Recovery Find Their Way
786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/  (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/  (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/   (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

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THINK

What does this 12 slogan mean when it comes to living, loving, and/or working with an addict?

To think is to breathe deeply and to allow first impulses to pass before determining action. This is extremely important when it comes to dealing with a person under the influence or recovering from being under the influence.

It is in fact, the difference between reacting and responding, going off the handle and staying calm, being at effect or being at cause.

Let's take an example: Let's say the person you care about (who happens to be an addict or alcoholic) just made a decision to spend all of your savings on a second honeymoon for the two of you in Hawaii. Naturally, you may be filled with conflicting emotions: romanticism, nostalgia for when you could actually afford such a trip, anger that they would even think of investing your emergency fund in a two week vacation, frustration at their impulsivity, sadness that you cannot afford this wonderful trip plus be able to save for a rainy day, madness that they made such an important decision without consulting you.

So, what do you do?

For many codependents, we are so used to having to react quickly to situations, that we simply freak out, say whatever comes to our minds, impulsively say yes and then no, no and then yes, etc...

But what does THINK guide us to do?

Stop for a moment and breathe slowly, deeply, deliberately. Let it sink in. Watch all of the thoughts of anger, criticism, happiness, sadness, fear, etc., pass.

We may say the Serenity Prayer in order to center ourselves within. (God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.)

Then, we might just say something, like, "Wow. This is huge. Let me take a moment to think about this one. You made a big decision there. I've got to take this one in."

And if necessary, more breaths and centering.

THINK is like that. It's a STOP sign we put up in front of our mouths, while our hearts and minds take in what we have just heard or seen.

At that point, we may feel calm enough to share how we feel about the situation, calmly and lovingly, or we may say something like, "That is an interesting idea. I need some time to think about it. Do me a favor and don't reserve the tickets until I have some times to gather my thoughts, okay?"

Handling a situation calmly gives you time to respond fully, thoughtfully, and carefully, while allowing you to treat your loved one with dignity and respect. Once you have had that time, whether five minutes, five hours, or five days, you will have a completely different perspective than you had in the heat of the moment. You will be able to use "I" statements and "you" messages in a calm tone of voice that reflects the serenity you have worked to maintain through your prayer and meditation life. You might say, calmly and lovingly, "Honey, when you make a decision for the two of us without consulting me and with our funds so limited, I feel touched that you want to spend time with me in such a special place, and at the same time, extremely worried about our finances, and even angry not to have had a voice in the decision."

For many of us, responding in such a calm, detached way feels like it would be difficult and even fake. But when the alternative is a bunch of expletives and anger spewed out that could damage the relationship even further than it already is damaged, writing down and even rehearsing a loving response to the impulsive irratic behavior our addicts sometimes exhibit, is really not a bad idea. What we are doing is going from reacting (just saying whatever hits us at the time) to responding (hearing, listening deeply, thinking, reflecting, and then giving our ideas and feelings in a thoughtful, loving manner).

But what if the situation demands an immediate response? What if your loved one shows up completely drunk or high and you need to act quickly? Again, THINK can come in handy.

Take that deep breath before you open your mind. Remember the tools you have in your arsenal such as First Things First, How Important Is It?, Easy Does It, The Serenity Prayer.

Even when you must respond quickly, the key is to THINK first, to gather your inner resources and to RESPOND, not react, to the circumstance.

It is possible to be a loving person, even in a difficult situation, but not when you are allowing your impulses to take over.

You may be angry or sad to see your loved one in such bad shape, but that does not give you the right to call them every name in the book or to put them down. Even if it did give you that right, it wouldn't do any good. Remember, talking to someone who is under the influence is like talking to a wall. Rather, you might do anything from showing them the door, to giving them a sofa to sleep on, getting yourself and your children away from them, to calling the cops. Each situation will warrant a different response. And it is your frame of mind, your ability to collect yourself by taking that moment to get spiritually centered and THINKING on your feet, that will allow you to handle the situation with your God-given dignity and grace, rather than returning insanity with insanity. While you are taking that moment, you may take the phone, go into another room, and call your sponsor (12 step guide) or your coach to get another perspective from someone not directly affected by the situation.

Living, loving or working with a person addicted to a harmful substance or behavior can be one of life's greatest challenges. Using the tools of the 12 step programs to develop our inner calm and awareness, can make it one of life's greatest gifts.

So the next time you are confronted with a difficult situation, in your face, try to THINK rather than just react, use your tools to respond with your inner dignity and grace intact.

In the meantime, have a wonderful week and Keep the Focus on You!


All the best!

Beverly Buncher
aka Recovery Coach Bev
786 859 4050
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net



Please note:
These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with food for thought. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* www.alanon.org
* www.nar-anon.org
* www.gamanon.org
* www.s-anon.org

There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you would benefit, give me a call or send an email and let's have an introductory, no-obligation session.

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Live and Let Live

Is the addict in your life slowly but surely taking over your life? Do you find yourself doing more and more for him or her? Are you lending/giving them money and not having anything left for yourself? Are you having to leave work early? Leave your phone on during important meetings "just in case" you hear from them or otherwise twisting your life around theirs in ways that are getting more and more uncomfortable?

If so, read my new report LIVE and Let Live.

You can receive this report for free by going to my website:  www.theempowermentcoach.net/CoachingforCodependents.html and filling out the contact form. You will receive your FREE copy of this valuable report within 48 hours!

Don't miss it! It's got information and ideas that will help you AND may even help your addict!

Until then in recovery,

Recovery Coach Bev

PS: After you read it, come back to the blog and write a comment to let me know how it hit you OR, if you prefer privacy, send me an email at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net.

All the Best!

How Can I Get Them Sober?

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Let the tools I have put together help you!

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