Keep The Focus on You!: Alcoholism

Showing posts with label Alcoholism. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

THINK

What does this 12 slogan mean when it comes to living, loving, and/or working with an addict?

To think is to breathe deeply and to allow first impulses to pass before determining action. This is extremely important when it comes to dealing with a person under the influence or recovering from being under the influence.

It is in fact, the difference between reacting and responding, going off the handle and staying calm, being at effect or being at cause.

Let's take an example: Let's say the person you care about (who happens to be an addict or alcoholic) just made a decision to spend all of your savings on a second honeymoon for the two of you in Hawaii. Naturally, you may be filled with conflicting emotions: romanticism, nostalgia for when you could actually afford such a trip, anger that they would even think of investing your emergency fund in a two week vacation, frustration at their impulsivity, sadness that you cannot afford this wonderful trip plus be able to save for a rainy day, madness that they made such an important decision without consulting you.

So, what do you do?

For many codependents, we are so used to having to react quickly to situations, that we simply freak out, say whatever comes to our minds, impulsively say yes and then no, no and then yes, etc...

But what does THINK guide us to do?

Stop for a moment and breathe slowly, deeply, deliberately. Let it sink in. Watch all of the thoughts of anger, criticism, happiness, sadness, fear, etc., pass.

We may say the Serenity Prayer in order to center ourselves within. (God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.)

Then, we might just say something, like, "Wow. This is huge. Let me take a moment to think about this one. You made a big decision there. I've got to take this one in."

And if necessary, more breaths and centering.

THINK is like that. It's a STOP sign we put up in front of our mouths, while our hearts and minds take in what we have just heard or seen.

At that point, we may feel calm enough to share how we feel about the situation, calmly and lovingly, or we may say something like, "That is an interesting idea. I need some time to think about it. Do me a favor and don't reserve the tickets until I have some times to gather my thoughts, okay?"

Handling a situation calmly gives you time to respond fully, thoughtfully, and carefully, while allowing you to treat your loved one with dignity and respect. Once you have had that time, whether five minutes, five hours, or five days, you will have a completely different perspective than you had in the heat of the moment. You will be able to use "I" statements and "you" messages in a calm tone of voice that reflects the serenity you have worked to maintain through your prayer and meditation life. You might say, calmly and lovingly, "Honey, when you make a decision for the two of us without consulting me and with our funds so limited, I feel touched that you want to spend time with me in such a special place, and at the same time, extremely worried about our finances, and even angry not to have had a voice in the decision."

For many of us, responding in such a calm, detached way feels like it would be difficult and even fake. But when the alternative is a bunch of expletives and anger spewed out that could damage the relationship even further than it already is damaged, writing down and even rehearsing a loving response to the impulsive irratic behavior our addicts sometimes exhibit, is really not a bad idea. What we are doing is going from reacting (just saying whatever hits us at the time) to responding (hearing, listening deeply, thinking, reflecting, and then giving our ideas and feelings in a thoughtful, loving manner).

But what if the situation demands an immediate response? What if your loved one shows up completely drunk or high and you need to act quickly? Again, THINK can come in handy.

Take that deep breath before you open your mind. Remember the tools you have in your arsenal such as First Things First, How Important Is It?, Easy Does It, The Serenity Prayer.

Even when you must respond quickly, the key is to THINK first, to gather your inner resources and to RESPOND, not react, to the circumstance.

It is possible to be a loving person, even in a difficult situation, but not when you are allowing your impulses to take over.

You may be angry or sad to see your loved one in such bad shape, but that does not give you the right to call them every name in the book or to put them down. Even if it did give you that right, it wouldn't do any good. Remember, talking to someone who is under the influence is like talking to a wall. Rather, you might do anything from showing them the door, to giving them a sofa to sleep on, getting yourself and your children away from them, to calling the cops. Each situation will warrant a different response. And it is your frame of mind, your ability to collect yourself by taking that moment to get spiritually centered and THINKING on your feet, that will allow you to handle the situation with your God-given dignity and grace, rather than returning insanity with insanity. While you are taking that moment, you may take the phone, go into another room, and call your sponsor (12 step guide) or your coach to get another perspective from someone not directly affected by the situation.

Living, loving or working with a person addicted to a harmful substance or behavior can be one of life's greatest challenges. Using the tools of the 12 step programs to develop our inner calm and awareness, can make it one of life's greatest gifts.

So the next time you are confronted with a difficult situation, in your face, try to THINK rather than just react, use your tools to respond with your inner dignity and grace intact.

In the meantime, have a wonderful week and Keep the Focus on You!

All the best!

Beverly Buncher
aka Recovery Coach Bev
786 859 4050
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net

Please note:
These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with food for thought. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* www.alanon.org
* www.nar-anon.org
* www.gamanon.org
* www.s-anon.org

There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you would benefit, give me a call or send an email and let's have an introductory, no-obligation session.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

What does surrender look like?

Surrender. Let it go. Let go and let God.These are words that we hear in 12 step meetings and say to each other in between. When it comes to relating to people, places and things outside of ourselves, sometimes it's either surrender or die inside. Yet, we often hold on, afraid of what will happen if we let go.

Indeed, one of the hardest things to face is that addicts need us to be role models of sane living more than they need us to take care of them.

So, what does it mean to surrender and how do we do it?

First of all, for our purposes, we will define surrender as " to give up". In order to keep the focus on ourselves, we need to give up control of another person, place or thing. We relinquish this control to the care of the Higher Power of our understanding. And the reason why we do so is that we are finding that the controlling we have been doing has not been achieving the result we wish it to achieve... and even if it has been, the price we have paid for that control, in terms of lost peace of mind and sanity, has been far too high.

"But," any good codependent will counter, "if I don't control my addict/husband/wife/brother/grown child, etc., they'll fall apart! They need me to take care of them. Believe me, I'd like nothing more than to let them handle their life, but without me they'd fall apart completely. And i just couldn't cope with that! It would kill me!"

So, then comes the next question: How good a job are you doing? And at what price to you personally?

The fact is that most of the time, when we are taking care of things others are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, a few things happen:
1. we stop taking care of important parts of our own lives
2. they come to rely on our help and don't use or ever develop their own capacity to take responsibility for their own lives.
3. even worse than that, when we use our time or money to handle their responsibilities, they don't have to use theirs...

In the case of an addict or alcoholic, this can be deadly. Literally. After all, they have to do something with their leftover time and money. - Wait, I know, could it be buy and use drugs???

When we say "uncle" or "I give up God. You help him." we are starting a new journey toward taking care of our lives and being the role model of sanity that we are promised to become by working the steps.

Let's look at this whole idea of why we don't want to surrender:
There could be a few reasons: fear of what will happen to the addict, fear of how we will cope with not knowing, fear of how we will cope if something happens to the addict, and no idea of how to live our lives without the addict at the center of it.

To all of these there is a simple answer.
First, realize that you are not God. That what you have been doing has not been working, that in fact it is hurting not only the addict, but you as well.
Second, realize that there is a Power greater than you who will help you live a happy and sane life and can potentially do the same for the addict or alcoholic in your life, if you will JUST GET OUT OF THE WAY.

It's the simplest idea, yet so difficult to implement. When we have wrapped our lives around others for so long, to simply unentangle our grasp can be a major undertaking. That is why the idea of surrendering, of letting go, is so powerful. We are not simply abandoning our loved ones. Rather, we are giving them over to a Power that can truly make a difference in their life, should they decide to participate.

In the meantime, when we let go, we can build a happy meaningful life for ourselves.

So let go and let God. Allow your addict or alcoholic or other loved one whom you have been carrying to grow up by no longer carrying them. Let God carry them and you.

And remember, you don't have to go it alone! There are 12 step programs for family members where you will find others who can help you walk this path successfully along with them!

And if you feel a coach would help, feel free to give me a call as well.

Until next week, Focus on Yourself!

Please post your comments and questions. I would love to hear your perspective!

All the Best,

Bev
aka recoverycoachbev
786 859 4050

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Threats Don't Work! Try this instead... - Part One

Has the addict in your life ever done something over the top? Something that has led you to feel worse than before about his or her using, to feel less able to to go on with things as they have been?

If so, what was your next reaction? A threat? An ultimatum? And then what? Did you follow through? Did you move out or get them to?

Or, did they threaten back and intimidate you? Did you back down, doubt your own interpretation of reality and let things go back to the way they were?

Living with and/or loving a person in active addiction can be one of life's greatest challenges. The person you once knew is now being run by a compulsion to use or act in ways that supersede their desire to please you, to be with you, to love you. And that shows up in how they put their pill, fix, drink, food, or behavior first, before you..almost all the time.

It can happen slowly or quickly, but either way, the growth of addiction in a loved one takes a great toll on the people in the addict's life. After awhile, being treated like second best grates on you; being disregarded, disrespected, taken for granted, and as time goes on, being stolen from, lied to, abused and often ignored, can even become unbearable.

So that takes us back to the question: When things get unbearable for you, how do you react? Do you threaten to leave? And if so, do you follow through?

There is nothing wrong with being fed up or wanting out of a difficult situation. In fact, that sounds pretty normal. Being abused or neglected due to someone's addiction can be unbearable.

But, what is your goal? Is it to get out or to make things better? And most importantly, what are you REALLY willing to do about it (not what do you fantasize about doing, but what are you totally committed to doing about it to make things better for yourself and/or your family)?

It's important to explore your real intentions and your degree of inner strength to follow through at this point because if you don't, you may find yourself making empty threats over and over again while things at home go from bad to worse.

And 'there's nothing wrong with that', to coin a Seinfeld phrase, unless, of course, you want things to get better...

If you do want things to get better, consider ending the constant stream of threats. Instead, here is part one of a few tips you might try instead:

1. Take out a pad of paper and draw a vertical line down the middle.

On the left side, write everything you love about your addict. All of the wonderful things you know about him or her, even if you hardly ever see those things showing up in his or her life anymore. Don't hold back, even if you are angry now. Scour your memory banks. Find the funny little smile, the random acts of kindness, the brilliance emerging before the drug or fix took over... list as many traits, memories, characteristics as you can remember. Try not to leave anything out! This exercise will help you remember why you really love the person behind the addiction, what brought you here in the first place either as parent, lover, spouse, or friend.
Then, on the other side, list everything the addict has said or done that has made you forget their wonderful traits; every lie, every unkindness, every inconsistency, every abusive behavior, every missing dollar, every broken appointment, every tear they caused. List the ways in which they neglected you and your family, the people they let down, the strange things they said to cover up the inconsistent behaviors, the objects you found in your home that didn't belong there, the people you ran into who told you strange stories, etc. Try to remember everything - every hurt, every pain, every double-take. What you are doing right now is putting a sword through the denial that has allowed you to live in this alternate reality of active addiction without completely going mad. The irony of denial is that all of us reach a certain point where, if we don't break through the denial, it will drive us mad...So, this exercise helps us break through and face what is really going on in our lives, consciously. It will be painful, but also cathartic, and potentially very helpful in making things better. So, go for it.

2. Once you have your lists, look them over and decide which reality, which person, so to speak, you would rather live with, which person you want in your life.(Don't use the answer 'obvious' to keep you from making the actual lists. If you haven't done that yet, go back and do them. It's crucial to your recovery and to the addict's chances of getting well, too.) Then, make a decision as to whether or not you want that person enough to fight for them, for their healing, for your relationship.

3. If the answer is yes, it's time to start figuring out what you are going to do to attempt to get the husband, wife, son, daughter, significant other, or friend who you remember, the one you knew before their addiction took over, back into your life.

This process is a delicate one, and truth be told, there are no promises that whatever you do will give you the results you want. But, making a list is a start. It lets you know what you are missing, breaks through the denial that has the family in its bind, and, if nothing else, advances your own recovery from the family disease of addiction.

In our next issue of Focus on You, we will talk about what you can do next to help your family recover from this family disease. In the meantime, have you considered trying one of the family support group meetings? Alanon (http://www.alanon.org/), Naranon (http://www.naranon.org/). S-anon (http://www.s-anon.org/). Each of these groups is filled with people like you, working through the challenges of living, loving, and/or working with a person addicted to something that is destroying the fabric of their life and that of their family and friends.

Alanon is for familis of alcoholics (but many people go whose addicts are addicted to all kinds of things, from food, to gambling, to drugs)
Naranon is for families of drug addicts (alcohol is included as a drug)
S-anon is for families of sex and love addicts.

Coaching can help a great deal as well as you try to sort out the feelings, lies, and realities of the disease. To learn more about how coaching might help you cope with the addiction of someone you love, go to www.theempowermentcoach.net/coachingforcodependents.html

See you next time when we Focus on You will focus on next steps that you can take instead of the empty threats that haven't gotten the addict to stop so far!