Keep The Focus on You!: Substance Abuse

Showing posts with label Substance Abuse. Show all posts

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Pitfalls of Early Recovery and How to Avoid Them

Ever meet the parent or spouse of someone in treatment?

On the one hand, they may look like someone who just got hit by a truck - still traumatized by the months or years of struggle with their addict. On the other, they have a sense of peace when they tell you "At least now I don't worry day and night about where they are or who they are with. They're in treatment, they are safe. I can sleep at night - finally!"

And after detox is over and the addict has had a few weeks to adjust and begin thinking clearly, you might even see a glimmer of hope in the parent or spouse's eye when they tell you how great their addict looks and feels and talks while in treatment - "They seem to have a whole new lease on life!" or "It's like having my old son/husband/daughter/wife back again!"

But, underlying it all is that fear, that old feeling, of waiting for the other shoe to drop...especially if this isn't their loved one's first treatment or if the family member has sat in 12 step or treatment center meetings and heard the horror stories of people relapsing almost as soon as they get out..."Well, there are no guarantees. This seems too good to be true and it just may be..." Then, once the addict gets out of treatment, far too many times, it does prove too good to be true...In fact, many an addict has said, "It was so easy to stay sober when I was in treatment...But dealing with the real world is a whole other story..."

Indeed, this nightmare of making it out the doors and into the arms of one's dealer or local liquor store clerk, happens far too often - often not immediately after treatment, but often within the first few months. And what a difficult first few months they often are of navigating aftercare, 12 step meetings, halfway houses, finding a sponsor, home life, job search or readjustment, family relationships... and all of this without one's drug of choice!

So, what is there to do to help addicts and alcoholics stay sober once they get out of treatment?

Over the past few years, as the field of coaching has evolved, a specialized group of recovery coaches has emerged to help solve just that problem.

These recovery coaches, often few and far between, but extremely dedicated, work closely with family, addict, treatment center and other facilities in contact with the addict, to smoothe the transition from treatment to aftercare 12 step program to halfway house to home to job or school and back into the 'real world'.

Often, a person's recovery coach is the one person who stays the same in a world of shifting helpers and services that the addict faces as they move from active addiction into recovery.
Often hired by the family to work directly with the addict, a recovery coach may come into play before sobriety to help the addict get into treatment, or even toward the end of treatment, when transitional issues begin to arise.
The coach's job is to get to know the individual and help them go within themselves to:

discover the goals they want/need to reach
develop an action plan to reach those goals
take the step-by-step actions necessary to fulfill the goals and action plan.

The coach is specially trained to form an interactive partnership with the client that serves as a springboard and a home base as the client navigates the challenges and changes confronting him or her along the way. The value of this relationship has become so evident that currently, several states are training people they call Recovery Support Specialists to help bring addicts off the streets, get them the services they need and move from stage to stage of the recovery process.

Not therapists, recovery coaches help the client deal with the day to day obstacles that get in their way of staying clean and sober. Often, recovery coaches are in touch with the treatment center to insure a smoothe thread of services and communication on the client's behalf.

Indeed, recovery coaches meet a need the family, and addict yearn for, but that many families cannot provide directly for their loved ones, either because of strains in the relationship or due to physical distance. Family members often hire recovery coaches to help their addicts beat the odds. While there are no guarantees with this disease, recovery coaches can and do give their clients a point of continual contact - and that can be the difference an individual needs to make it in the daunting world of early recovery!

Readers, please note:

These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping People in Recovery Find Their Way
786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/ (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/ (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/ (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Is There Hope For My Addict?

Is there hope for my addict?

What a question. Everyone who’s ever loved an addict has simultaneously asked and not dared to ask this question. And so the answer is, "Of course there is hope." As long as he or she is alive there is hope. But then the next question is the tricky one: So what can I do to help? (I being the person asking the question – the wife, husband, mother, sister, child, friend, co-worker, etc.)

The best thing any of us can do to help our addicts is to get help ourselves. Getting help for ourselves? You may ask. What’s up with that? I’m fine. It’s my addict who is crazy. What kind of help do I need?

The cold hard facts about how those affected by the addiction of a loved one will end up, are not too different from those that describe an addict's possible fates. Just as there are only four ends for an addict: Jail, Institution, Death, or Recovery; so, too for the family member.

Whereas for the addict it looks like this:

Jail – for breaking the law while under the influence

Institution (Inpatient Mental Health Facility) – because the drugs or alcohol have so toxified their mind that they are no longer living in the real world or wish to kill themselves

Death – due to overdose, cirrhosis of the liver, heart attack, bullet wound, or other fatal attack to their body

Recovery – which happens when they take personal responsibility for their life and turn it around

For the family member it can play out as:

Jail – because we kill them for all "they have done to us”

Institution (Inpatient Mental Health Facility) – because “they have driven us crazy"

Death – only we die of a broken heart or a stress-related illness

Recovery – which happens when we put the focus on ourselves and decide to move forward toward a healthy mindset, whether the addict continues to use or not.

I’ll never forget the first time someone told me about the four ends of an addict. I was sobbing on the phone about my person of concern’s behavior, going on and on about what they were doing to themself, to me, to our finances, etc. When I stopped to get a breath, the person I was talking to, said, “Well, you know, you really have no control over what will happen to them. In fact, there are only 4 possible ends to an addict and, we really have no idea if your addict will be one God uses as an example of the possibilities of recovery or of the consequences of unabated use.”

Her words shocked and stung me. My tears stopped and anger filled my heart and mind. I slammed the phone down and told myself I would never talk to her again.

But then, as I gave her message time to sink in, I recalled the rest of what she said: “So, the only guarantee for you, the only thing you will absolutely be able to count on, is, that if you decide to work a recovery program, you will be okay. Your life will move forward. You will no longer be in constant inner turmoil and filled with dread and anxiety.”

Then she added, “And the best chance your family member has to get well, is for you to be so busy working on your own recovery that you begin to serve as a role model of recovery rather than as a nag and hindrance to theirs.”

Of course, I didn’t see myself as a hindrance, but I did have to admit that all of my best efforts had not achieved my goal of sobriety for my addict.

And so, I began, in earnest, to get the help I needed for me. In time, I learned how to communicate more effectively with my addict and the people around me. I learned how to not let things well up within me so that they came out shrill and angry, but rather calm and thought provoking. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to build a life for myself that I was slowly but surely learning how to live with joy and fulfillment, regardless of other people’s behaviors.

This is the journey of recovery for us: It is a road packed with ups and downs, ins and outs, highs and lows. But is is a journey we can take and improve upon and grow from and impact on and cherish as long as we work with the principles of recovery and apply them to ourselves on a daily basis.

Over the years, I have had a wonderful sponsor who has guided me; I have, just as the Big Book of AA promises “watched a fellowship build around me”, and I have, from time to time, hired helpers in the form of coaches, therapists, and spiritual guides to assist me on my journey.

I became a recovery coach to help others on their journey. I still believe that we, the family members, are our addicts’ best hope for recovery. Not because we make them get better. Rather because we get better ourselves and when we do that everything around us is affected. By keeping the focus on ourselves, we learn about what it means to have healthy interactions with others as well. And that is transformative.

As it says in the Naranon Blue Book: “Myself I can change. Others I can only love.”

Please note:

These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping People in Recovery Find Their Way
786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/ (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/ (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/ (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Threats Don't Work! Try this instead... - Part One

Has the addict in your life ever done something over the top? Something that has led you to feel worse than before about his or her using, to feel less able to to go on with things as they have been?

If so, what was your next reaction? A threat? An ultimatum? And then what? Did you follow through? Did you move out or get them to?

Or, did they threaten back and intimidate you? Did you back down, doubt your own interpretation of reality and let things go back to the way they were?

Living with and/or loving a person in active addiction can be one of life's greatest challenges. The person you once knew is now being run by a compulsion to use or act in ways that supersede their desire to please you, to be with you, to love you. And that shows up in how they put their pill, fix, drink, food, or behavior first, before you..almost all the time.

It can happen slowly or quickly, but either way, the growth of addiction in a loved one takes a great toll on the people in the addict's life. After awhile, being treated like second best grates on you; being disregarded, disrespected, taken for granted, and as time goes on, being stolen from, lied to, abused and often ignored, can even become unbearable.

So that takes us back to the question: When things get unbearable for you, how do you react? Do you threaten to leave? And if so, do you follow through?

There is nothing wrong with being fed up or wanting out of a difficult situation. In fact, that sounds pretty normal. Being abused or neglected due to someone's addiction can be unbearable.

But, what is your goal? Is it to get out or to make things better? And most importantly, what are you REALLY willing to do about it (not what do you fantasize about doing, but what are you totally committed to doing about it to make things better for yourself and/or your family)?

It's important to explore your real intentions and your degree of inner strength to follow through at this point because if you don't, you may find yourself making empty threats over and over again while things at home go from bad to worse.

And 'there's nothing wrong with that', to coin a Seinfeld phrase, unless, of course, you want things to get better...

If you do want things to get better, consider ending the constant stream of threats. Instead, here is part one of a few tips you might try instead:

1. Take out a pad of paper and draw a vertical line down the middle.

On the left side, write everything you love about your addict. All of the wonderful things you know about him or her, even if you hardly ever see those things showing up in his or her life anymore. Don't hold back, even if you are angry now. Scour your memory banks. Find the funny little smile, the random acts of kindness, the brilliance emerging before the drug or fix took over... list as many traits, memories, characteristics as you can remember. Try not to leave anything out! This exercise will help you remember why you really love the person behind the addiction, what brought you here in the first place either as parent, lover, spouse, or friend.
Then, on the other side, list everything the addict has said or done that has made you forget their wonderful traits; every lie, every unkindness, every inconsistency, every abusive behavior, every missing dollar, every broken appointment, every tear they caused. List the ways in which they neglected you and your family, the people they let down, the strange things they said to cover up the inconsistent behaviors, the objects you found in your home that didn't belong there, the people you ran into who told you strange stories, etc. Try to remember everything - every hurt, every pain, every double-take. What you are doing right now is putting a sword through the denial that has allowed you to live in this alternate reality of active addiction without completely going mad. The irony of denial is that all of us reach a certain point where, if we don't break through the denial, it will drive us mad...So, this exercise helps us break through and face what is really going on in our lives, consciously. It will be painful, but also cathartic, and potentially very helpful in making things better. So, go for it.

2. Once you have your lists, look them over and decide which reality, which person, so to speak, you would rather live with, which person you want in your life.(Don't use the answer 'obvious' to keep you from making the actual lists. If you haven't done that yet, go back and do them. It's crucial to your recovery and to the addict's chances of getting well, too.) Then, make a decision as to whether or not you want that person enough to fight for them, for their healing, for your relationship.

3. If the answer is yes, it's time to start figuring out what you are going to do to attempt to get the husband, wife, son, daughter, significant other, or friend who you remember, the one you knew before their addiction took over, back into your life.

This process is a delicate one, and truth be told, there are no promises that whatever you do will give you the results you want. But, making a list is a start. It lets you know what you are missing, breaks through the denial that has the family in its bind, and, if nothing else, advances your own recovery from the family disease of addiction.

In our next issue of Focus on You, we will talk about what you can do next to help your family recover from this family disease. In the meantime, have you considered trying one of the family support group meetings? Alanon (http://www.alanon.org/), Naranon (http://www.naranon.org/). S-anon (http://www.s-anon.org/). Each of these groups is filled with people like you, working through the challenges of living, loving, and/or working with a person addicted to something that is destroying the fabric of their life and that of their family and friends.

Alanon is for familis of alcoholics (but many people go whose addicts are addicted to all kinds of things, from food, to gambling, to drugs)
Naranon is for families of drug addicts (alcohol is included as a drug)
S-anon is for families of sex and love addicts.

Coaching can help a great deal as well as you try to sort out the feelings, lies, and realities of the disease. To learn more about how coaching might help you cope with the addiction of someone you love, go to www.theempowermentcoach.net/coachingforcodependents.html

See you next time when we Focus on You will focus on next steps that you can take instead of the empty threats that haven't gotten the addict to stop so far!