Their Best Chance of Recovery Is You!

In family support groups such as Naranon, Alanon, and S-anon; we hear the words "Keep the focus on yourself!"and "Mind your own business" over and over again. Yet, at the same time, we hear the oldtimers in the meetings say that, although there are no guarantees of the addict's recovery, their best chance to recover comes from our working our own program, our getting recovered ourselves.

So, you may wonder, how can these two things go together? In other words, if I'm not in their business, running things, getting them to do things my way, how can I be the one to give them the best chance of recovery?

Good question - and here is how it works:

Before we understand our problem (the disease of co-addiction), the solution (sanity), and the plan of action (such as the 12 steps of recovery), all we know is that our loved one is suffering, and so we suffer along with them and try with all our might to fix things for them. We watch them get sicker and sicker, and we ourselves often get crazier and crazier as we try to fix their problem by trying to make them stop using.

Sooner or later, we see that what we are doing does not work. Our resentment grows as we see that not only do they not get better, but they are mad at us for all that we do to try to help. And, as we go down the tubes emotionally and mentally from the stress and strain of the situation, the rest of the world (our other relatives, friends, and people at work and in the neighborhood) sees our deterioration and judges us for it and for putting up with this crazy spouse or child or sibling or parent who is putting us through so much.

So, we come into the rooms or arrive at our coach's door with less of our self-esteem intact than we'd like to have and enough self-righteous indignation to cause an explosion. We feel at once like our loved one's using is both not our fault and  completely our fault.

After awhile, we come to understand that our addict's addiction is not our fault. But, we also begin to see that if we continue to control and enable them in the ways we have been, we may actually be contributing to their inability to get well. At the same time, we learn that if we focus on our own recovery diligently, we will become powerful role models of sane and happy living who our addicts want to emulate, rather than fight or run from.

What does this mean and how does it work?

With each action and interaction, people affect each other. When your addict uses you feel terrible. When you try to help them and are not successful, the natural tendency is to try harder. This push against their behavior causes them to push back even harder. In other words, 'that which we resist persists.'

You may have experienced this in your own life. You have a habit that irritates someone you love. They bug you about it, and if the habit is deeply imbedded in your psyche, you probably find that it becomes even harder to break the more they bug you. And, if they get more insistent and you become less able to fight the urge they are pressing you about, you may even find yourself getting angry at them for bugging you about breaking a habit that you would LIKE to break, but simply can't.

At this point, a cycle of you engaging in the habit, them fighting you and you getting mad at them begins. The worse it gets, the more imbedded the habit gets and the less you are able or even inclined to focus on your role in getting rid of the habit. Instead, you are spending all of your energy fighting the person or people who are bugging you about changing. This is human nature: 'that which you resist persists' and is also at the core of the relationship between the addict and the co-addict when that relationship is NOT working.

Recovery disentangles the dysfunctional web of push-pull and replaces it with tools for detachment that allow you to let go of the addict's behavior and serve as a mirror instead of as an adversary in his or her life.

Imagine, if when your loved one noticed your habit (the one that was driving them crazy), instead of bugging you about it, they simply noticed it, described what they were seeing without judgment, and offered you support while also respecting your own ability to choose next steps. Imagine if, instead of judging, nagging and pushing you to change, they simply let you know what their boundaries were around the behavior. Suddenly, you would have to look at yourself because there would be no one to blame for nagging you...

Sometimes it helps to see the relationship we have with our using loved one as just a more extreme example of any relationship where one person wants another to change. When we can put ourselves into our addict's shoes, the whole process of learning how to detach, how to be a mirror, how to keep the focus on our own lives and how to respect their life choices while protecting ourselves by setting up boundaries, can become easier to understand and implement.

These are the behaviors that will change the nature of your relationship with your addict. But make no mistake, doing so is simple, but not easy. It takes discipline, support, and the ability to look at oneself as an imperfect, vulnerable person with quirks, habits, and defects as well.

The 12 steps and the 12 step support groups provide one very clear path to help you develop a plan of action that will allow you to keep the focus on yourself in ways that increase your potentially positive impact on your addict. Having a coach to work with can supplement your work in your support group, potentially accelerating your growth.

By diving deeply into recovery, with all of yourself, you become your best self, regardless of whether the addict is using or not. You learn how to effectively implement the tools of recovery in your relationship with your addict and as a result, your life gets better and, though there are no guarantees, YOU become your addict's best chance to recover.

Have a wonderful week and enjoy the holiday season one blessed moment at a time.

See you next week!

Recovery Coach Bev

Readers, please note:
These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping Families of Addicts Find Their Way

786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/  
http://www.familyrecoverycoach.blogspot.com/ (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/ (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/  (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

THINK

What does this 12 slogan mean when it comes to living, loving, and/or working with an addict?

To think is to breathe deeply and to allow first impulses to pass before determining action. This is extremely important when it comes to dealing with a person under the influence or recovering from being under the influence.

It is in fact, the difference between reacting and responding, going off the handle and staying calm, being at effect or being at cause.

Let's take an example: Let's say the person you care about (who happens to be an addict or alcoholic) just made a decision to spend all of your savings on a second honeymoon for the two of you in Hawaii. Naturally, you may be filled with conflicting emotions: romanticism, nostalgia for when you could actually afford such a trip, anger that they would even think of investing your emergency fund in a two week vacation, frustration at their impulsivity, sadness that you cannot afford this wonderful trip plus be able to save for a rainy day, madness that they made such an important decision without consulting you.

So, what do you do?

For many codependents, we are so used to having to react quickly to situations, that we simply freak out, say whatever comes to our minds, impulsively say yes and then no, no and then yes, etc...

But what does THINK guide us to do?

Stop for a moment and breathe slowly, deeply, deliberately. Let it sink in. Watch all of the thoughts of anger, criticism, happiness, sadness, fear, etc., pass.

We may say the Serenity Prayer in order to center ourselves within. (God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.)

Then, we might just say something, like, "Wow. This is huge. Let me take a moment to think about this one. You made a big decision there. I've got to take this one in."

And if necessary, more breaths and centering.

THINK is like that. It's a STOP sign we put up in front of our mouths, while our hearts and minds take in what we have just heard or seen.

At that point, we may feel calm enough to share how we feel about the situation, calmly and lovingly, or we may say something like, "That is an interesting idea. I need some time to think about it. Do me a favor and don't reserve the tickets until I have some times to gather my thoughts, okay?"

Handling a situation calmly gives you time to respond fully, thoughtfully, and carefully, while allowing you to treat your loved one with dignity and respect. Once you have had that time, whether five minutes, five hours, or five days, you will have a completely different perspective than you had in the heat of the moment. You will be able to use "I" statements and "you" messages in a calm tone of voice that reflects the serenity you have worked to maintain through your prayer and meditation life. You might say, calmly and lovingly, "Honey, when you make a decision for the two of us without consulting me and with our funds so limited, I feel touched that you want to spend time with me in such a special place, and at the same time, extremely worried about our finances, and even angry not to have had a voice in the decision."

For many of us, responding in such a calm, detached way feels like it would be difficult and even fake. But when the alternative is a bunch of expletives and anger spewed out that could damage the relationship even further than it already is damaged, writing down and even rehearsing a loving response to the impulsive irratic behavior our addicts sometimes exhibit, is really not a bad idea. What we are doing is going from reacting (just saying whatever hits us at the time) to responding (hearing, listening deeply, thinking, reflecting, and then giving our ideas and feelings in a thoughtful, loving manner).

But what if the situation demands an immediate response? What if your loved one shows up completely drunk or high and you need to act quickly? Again, THINK can come in handy.

Take that deep breath before you open your mind. Remember the tools you have in your arsenal such as First Things First, How Important Is It?, Easy Does It, The Serenity Prayer.

Even when you must respond quickly, the key is to THINK first, to gather your inner resources and to RESPOND, not react, to the circumstance.

It is possible to be a loving person, even in a difficult situation, but not when you are allowing your impulses to take over.

You may be angry or sad to see your loved one in such bad shape, but that does not give you the right to call them every name in the book or to put them down. Even if it did give you that right, it wouldn't do any good. Remember, talking to someone who is under the influence is like talking to a wall. Rather, you might do anything from showing them the door, to giving them a sofa to sleep on, getting yourself and your children away from them, to calling the cops. Each situation will warrant a different response. And it is your frame of mind, your ability to collect yourself by taking that moment to get spiritually centered and THINKING on your feet, that will allow you to handle the situation with your God-given dignity and grace, rather than returning insanity with insanity. While you are taking that moment, you may take the phone, go into another room, and call your sponsor (12 step guide) or your coach to get another perspective from someone not directly affected by the situation.

Living, loving or working with a person addicted to a harmful substance or behavior can be one of life's greatest challenges. Using the tools of the 12 step programs to develop our inner calm and awareness, can make it one of life's greatest gifts.

So the next time you are confronted with a difficult situation, in your face, try to THINK rather than just react, use your tools to respond with your inner dignity and grace intact.

In the meantime, have a wonderful week and Keep the Focus on You!


All the best!

Beverly Buncher
aka Recovery Coach Bev
786 859 4050
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net



Please note:
These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with food for thought. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* www.alanon.org
* www.nar-anon.org
* www.gamanon.org
* www.s-anon.org

There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you would benefit, give me a call or send an email and let's have an introductory, no-obligation session.

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Threats Don't Work! Try this instead... - Part Two

So, since our last get together, you made your list of all the delightful and horrible traits, behaviors and memories you remember and have of your active addict. And, if you're really serious about your family's recovery from the family disease of addiction you've attended or are planning to attend a meeting or two of one of the family support groups (naranon, alanon, or s-anon to name a few). So, now that you're consciously aware of the many wrongs your addict has committed over the years, and of the fact that you may have been making empty threats with no teeth, what do you do now?

The first thing is to look at that list, the one with all of the uncomfortable stuff on it and then  look at the list of the good memories. Next, take a deep breath and make a commitment to do something really difficult: Be a mirror to your addict. Being a mirror to your addict is another way of saying, sit down, with him or her and tell them what you know, what you see, what you are aware of about his or her behavior, without judgment, without spite, without anger, without bitterness. In other words, like a mirror, just reflect back the behaviors and attitudes you are seeing your addict exhibit and how you feel about it. If you have never done this before in a non-judgmental way, it may be the most difficult thing you have ever done. But, once you learn how to do it, you will be able to stay current with your addict and with other people in your life and just tell it like you see it, describing what you see, like a mirror.

For instance, "Gerry, you know I really love you and I've been thinking a lot about what I've been seeing in you lately and I want to share it with you.  I'm not doing this for arguments' sake, but rather, just to let you know what I'm seeing, so you will be able to see your behavior through someone else's eyes. So, there is no need for you to defend yourself. Just listen and then do with the information what you will. I decided it would not be honest or loving for me to see all of these things and not let you know, so I'm letting you know what I see because I really care about you."

Then, just list them. Tell him about the times he came in at 4 am with lipstick on his shirt and a body that reaked of alcohol. Tell her about the way she looks lately, the bags under her eyes and the torn up clothing. Let him know that you are aware of all of his lies about where his money is going and be as specific as possible. Tell her that you know about the drug addicts she has been hanging around with at school and that you found that marijuana in the car the other day. If possible, show it to her. Tell him about the calls from work asking where he was and how when you asked him about it, he told youhe was there, they just couldn't find him and that when he told you that lie, the twitch he always gets when he lies showed up.  Tell her about the calls that have been coming to the house and how whoever was on the other end hung up as soon as you answered. Tell him how many days he has slept in and missed work. Tell her how many times you've seen her running to the bathroom right after dinner and heard her throwing up through the bathroom door. Tell him how much money is missing from the account, how many necklaces or other jewels are missing from your collection. Be clear, concise, concrete, dispassionate, objective. You are not judging or looking down on your friend or relative. You are simply describing behaviors and consequences as if you were describing something you had noticed and found interesting, but did not particularly affect you either way.

The value of doing this confronting objectively, without emotion, is that by doing so, you are allowing the addict to experience the effect of hearing the actual behaviors as if seeing them for him or herself, without your bias or judgement. This allows it to sink in better and to not be deflected back to you. If he or she interrupts or tries to justify or tell you that things are really like that, remind them that you are not accusing or judging, rather, you are simply describing what you are seeing. If they see something different, so be it. But right now, it is your turn to share your perspective with them and you are not really interested in hearing their thoughts on the incidents at this time. Instead, you just want to ask them to sit and listen.

At the end, you might thank them for listening and let them know how much you care about them and are concerned for their wellbeing and that you really want your husband, wife, son, or daughter back. Then, if you feel so inclined, give them a kiss on the cheek or forehead, stand up and walk away.

It is crucial that you do this without judgment, anger or cynicism or they will not be able to hear you. It will be difficult to do so, so you may want to rehearse a few times or have a copy of the list in front of you when you share it. Keep breathing deeply as you share it in order to keep yourself calm.

Interestingly enough, you may not get through all of it in one sitting. You may have several opportunities to share parts of it...These could come on the tail end of other behaviors that come up along the way (after the addict has sobered up or come down from a high of course).  Each will provide you with an opportunity to simply tell the addict what you see as it is happening, again, without judgment or anger. And, if you are calm enough, you can add, 'this concerns me because it reminds of the time you..." and there you have another opportunity to feed back some of what you are seeing with some of what you have seen in the past, again, dispassionately, so the addict can hear what you are saying rather than get caught up in HOW you are saying it.

For some addicts/alcoholics, etc., it will be necessary to hear these things several times, each time a little differently, always in a thoughtful tone, as if you are simply reflecting on their behavior, and willing to be a mirror, not a judge of what is going on with them. Always remember, in the back of your mind, all of the things you love about your family member (remember list one?). If you can keep that list in mind as you speak of their challenging behaviors, it will help you to stay calm.

If you find they will not let you do this sharing, for whatever reason, or that, even after repeating things several times it does not seem to be sinking in, or that you are not able to share this information quietly and calmly, as the process requires, you may want to put it into a letter instead. If you choose at some point to write a letter, the sandwich method often works well:
Part one (bread): write about why you are writing the letter: I love you so much and I have concerns about how you are living your life these days and I want my husband/wife/daughter/son back. In this part, talk about all the things you love about him/her and how much they mean to you.
Part two (the meat): write your list of all the things you have seen them doing/saying/being over the last several weeks/months/years that are of concern to you. Again describe these factually, without judgment, anger or condemnation.
Part three (bread): reiterate how much you care and how you want your family member back and what needs to happen in order for that to happen (whether it is them going into treatment or getting some other form of help).

While there are no guarantees that this will turn the corner, it has done so for some addicts who say that seeing all of their behaviors in writing broke through their denial enough for them to see that they needed help.

Of course, it is crucial that you actually intend to and are willing to and strong enough to follow up on any boundaries or ultimatums you set up in your letter. This is easier said than done, and it is often helpful to have a support group, sponsor, and/or coach to help you do so. You do not have to go it alone. Many have gone before you and support abounds. You just have to be willing to ask. It can be a long road to family healing, but when family members start working the support programs of alanon, naranon, s-anon, gamanon, etc., they are giving their addicts a greater chance of recovery. This is because they are learning skills for being in relationship with an addict while no longer contributing to the disease. Having a coach, therapist, or spiritual director who understands addiction, codependency and recovery can also be extremely helpful and for many co-addicts, is essential.

These tips are just the 'tip' of the iceberg of what you will learn as you walk your recovery journey. And their effective implementation will be much easier, the more you have worked on yourself, kept the focus on your own recovery and gotten to know your own strengths and limitations in terms of what you will and won't live with in your relationships. A life of sanity for YOU is STILL possible whether the alcoholic/addict is still behaving insanely or not. Just KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOU!, get to a meeting on the phone or in person, and join me again next week for another entry of Focus on You!

Have a great week!

With love and recovery,

Recovery Coach Bev
recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/
786 859 4050

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