What if I say or do the wrong thing?

With the holidays here for some and approaching for others, opportunities to interact with  family members may inevitably lead us to to say or do some unhelpful and even unloving things to the addicts we love.

It's not just possible, it's probable. Why? Well, I guess there could be many reasons:
1.Maybe we just don't know the right thing to say or do.
2. Old habits die hard.
3. We are human.
4. Sometimes we do know what is best to say but we are so caught up in the situation we are in with our addict, that we succumb to the feelings of desperation, worry and fear that course through our minds and bodies in the form of negative thought projections.

So what's a family member to do to prevent the problem and to fix it when it happens?

Well, just as addicts have slips, so too do family members. And just as addicts have to get used to watching themselves have and then let go of thoughts of using if they are to stay sober, we too have to get used to watching ourselves have and then let go of thoughts of horrible endings that can lead us to nagging, harranguing, questioning, and verbally taunting our addicts, if we are to abstain from these behaviors and enjoy peaceful loving relationships with those around us.

But, you may say, what if I'm afraid my addict is using or getting him or herself into a situation or lifestyle that is putting him/her on the path to great danger and the thoughts overpower me? Or what if I am being disrespected? Don't I have to say something? To do something?

These are excellent questions. To answer them, let's talk for a moment about a few things: Thoughts, fears, what helps, and what does not.

First, on thoughts:
Thoughts are not facts. They are simply sentences strung together in our minds that move through quickly, making room for the next thoughts coming after them. Think of them as clouds moving through the sky. Left to their own devices they come and they go. Ever sit and watch your thoughts? To do so provides a wonderful experience as it shows us first hand how we are more than our thoughts. We are the one watching the thoughts. Just as the clouds are not the sky, but are in the sky, moving through it; our thoughts are not us, they are simply moving through us. We produce them ad nauseum and can choose which ones to focus on and act on, if we realize this simple idea: Thoughts are usually not important unless and until we give them importance by focusing our energy and attention on them.

So what does this mean in terms of our relationship to our addicts? Being in relationship with an alcoholic or addict of any kind is one of life's great challenges in that it has the potential to send our thoughts flying with questions of 'what if' and 'what then' that can drive even a calm person crazy. Yet, most of these thoughts, though emotion-filled and potentially true, will not help our addict if we use them to ask a million questions, question behaviors, watch them like a hawk, or otherwise harrass or harrangue them.

Instead, all it does to make these thoughts primary in our minds is to make us crazier and crazier, and drive a wedge between us and the addict that makes life harder and harder for us, for them, and for the relationship.

And yet, most people who love addicts find themselves impaired in some way by the experience and dysfunctional in the way they relate to their addict. It is life depleting to watch a person you love hurt themselves (and those around them) and not be able to do anything about it. But there are things you can do about those thoughts you have that are telling you how dire your situation is.

A few of them include:
1. Taking some deep slow breaths and bringing your mind back to the present moment and away from the roller coaster ride of what if's and what then's.
2. Go to a support group meeting (see the list below) where you will find others like you who have found a better way to live their life than being tied up in knots over their addict.
3. Keep in mind the slogans of the 12 step programs such as: 'One Day at a Time', 'Easy Does It', 'Stay in Present Time', 'How Important Is It? Does it Affect Your Breathing? If not, it's not that important.'
4. Remember that thoughts are not facts. Just because you have a scary thought does not mean it is something you need to act on. And even if it is factual, it may not be yours to deal with. It's okay to respect other people's ability to take responsibility for their own life.

Which brings us to the next thing: FEAR. In the 12 step programs, fear is known as:
F - False
E - Expectations
A - Appearing
R - Real

This is particularly important for co-addicts to remember as we can use this understanding to help us keep the fears that run through our minds in perspective. When we let our fears run our minds, they have more of a chance of running our lives. So again, the importance of  remembering that we are not our thoughts, and our thoughts are not reality unless we decide to give them the power to dictate all that we believe and act on. This brings us to our next subject: when it comes to dealing with an addict, what helps and what doesn't?

Well, if you have been reading this blog over the past several months, you may have noticed that most of what helps happens between our two ears. When we admit our powerless over the addict, step one of the 12 steps, we put into motion a whole new perspective on our lives and what we do have power over and that, my friends, is clearly, ourselves.

While we are powerless over people outside of ourselves, we do have the power to change how we view them, how we view our role in our own and their lives, and then to take action based on that new understanding.

For instance, let's talk about observing our thoughts. This is actually a discipline that people literally spend lifetimes practicing, to great benefit. One of the things it is known as is mindfulness meditation. When we meditate mindfully, we are allowing ourselves to observe our breath, our thoughts, the sounds we hear, our bodies, and the world around and within us without judgment. We simply watch, listen, and experience life at each present moment. One can take classes to learn to meditate or use a book or CD to do so. Whatever the vehicle of learning, the practice itself has the effect of calming the mind significantly and allowing the meditator to begin to tell the difference between sanity and insanity in his/her own mind. It is a powerful way to begin each day with benefits that carry over throughout the moments of the day more and more with each day of practice.

As also mentioned above, it is crucial, in this work of 'being there' for ourselves and our addicts, to have others to talk to who understand and will bring us back to our senses when we get off track. For people in the 12 step programs, getting a sponsor who has been there and walked the path you are trying to walk is crucial. Getting a recovery coach can greatly help as well. A coach can ask you questions that will bring you to deeper understandings of yourself in relation to yourself, your addict, and your life.

As one client described it, "When working with my coach, the assignments she gave me helped me to  suddenly remember lots of things that my addict had done that I had somehow forgotten." (As they say, 'Denial is not just a river in Egypt!') By gathering all of these incidents together into a list,  the client was able to work with his coach to develop a plan of how he would speak with his addict in a way that would be helpful rather than harmful. It was the beginning of the end of active addiction in that household.

Finally, what do you do if you have said or done something you know or have since learned was not the best thing to say or do?

As a renowned addiction therapist once said in answer to a client's guilt  and shame about past behaviors in the client's life,  "Some of these things you just have to flush."

And indeed, sometimes we just have to face it. We may cherish or revile our stories of pain, suffering, martyrdom and even guilt so much that we feel we have to think about them over and over again in order to keep the story alive within us. But maybe it is time to flush the guilt, the shame, the pain, the poor me story. Maybe it is time to watch the thoughts that tell us that the sky is falling and give them no more attention than thoughts that say the grass is purple. Maybe it is time to become so grounded in each moment, in each ray of sunshine, each blade of grass, each in and out breath, each step we take on the pavement of life that we no longer have attention to give to thoughts of suffering, self-pity and worry.

This is not to say we forget about our addict or 'the situation' but that we put it in its proper perspective by going to meetings, praying and meditating, sharing what's going on in our lives with other people who understand what it means to live with and love an addict and will listen and give us constructive feedback that will help us grow.

The other day I went to a meeting where the topic hit me below the belt and I shared some fears of the future that I had been allowing to fester within me over the past few days. At that meeting were four wonderful people who I'd been mentoring. One after the other, they shared with me the exact words I needed to hear....'Stay in present time. One day at a time. Stop projecting and live in the moment. Let go and let God.' I needed to be listened to, which they did, and to be put back on track, which they did.

I go to meetings, share with others, sponsor and get sponsored, and get coached not only in order to avoid making the same old mistakes in my relationships with my loved ones, but also to bounce back more quickly when I do. This is how it works. When we are honest, open, and willing to change, we grow. As an old timer I know used to say, it's a matter of 'practice, practice; fall, fall; practice, practice; fall fall..."
And so it goes.

We are called to progress, not to be perfect. And if we are willing, we will change, and we will progress.

Have a wonderful week and enjoy the holiday season one blessed moment at a time.

See you next week!

Recovery Coach Bev

Readers, please note:


These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping People in Recovery Find Their Way
786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/ (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/ (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/ (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

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Attitude of Gratitude

Gratitude, the theme of Thanksgiving day, can be hard to conjure when the world around us seems to be falling apart due to addiction and its consequences. But conjure it we must. Not only because of the holiday, but even more because it is one of the keys to the castle of serenity and well-being that is our birthright whether or not the addict is drinking or drugging.

I've heard it said that 'gratitude is the plug into the power of the universe' and I believe this to be true. When I begin my day with gratitude, I feel a surge of energy and happiness, a reminder of that which is good and right in my life and in the universe, no matter what is going on.

Let's face it: When things are tough for any reason (addiction, finances, lost job, lost love, the state of the world, etc.), it can be difficult to put the focus on what is going right. Yet, that's when it is so important to do so. The old saying 'That which you put your attention to grows stronger in your life' is more than a truism. Everytime we break through the negativity in our lives and put our attention on what's going right, we give strength to that rightness in our hearts and minds, and the rightness, the things we are grateful for expand in our lives.

But don't believe me. Try it for yourself. Begin each day with a list of the people, places, and things you are grateful for. Find at least five things each day and watch your list grow as you increase the power of your attention to the people, places, and things that bring you joy! Do it for 25 days. Start with just doing it in the morning and feel free to send your lists to this blog as comments!

Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy the day by keeping the focus on you and what you are grateful for.

With Love and Thanksgiving for all of you in my life!

Recovery Coach Bev
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
786 859 4050

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Threats Don't Work! Try this instead... - Part Two

So, since our last get together, you made your list of all the delightful and horrible traits, behaviors and memories you remember and have of your active addict. And, if you're really serious about your family's recovery from the family disease of addiction you've attended or are planning to attend a meeting or two of one of the family support groups (naranon, alanon, or s-anon to name a few). So, now that you're consciously aware of the many wrongs your addict has committed over the years, and of the fact that you may have been making empty threats with no teeth, what do you do now?

The first thing is to look at that list, the one with all of the uncomfortable stuff on it and then  look at the list of the good memories. Next, take a deep breath and make a commitment to do something really difficult: Be a mirror to your addict. Being a mirror to your addict is another way of saying, sit down, with him or her and tell them what you know, what you see, what you are aware of about his or her behavior, without judgment, without spite, without anger, without bitterness. In other words, like a mirror, just reflect back the behaviors and attitudes you are seeing your addict exhibit and how you feel about it. If you have never done this before in a non-judgmental way, it may be the most difficult thing you have ever done. But, once you learn how to do it, you will be able to stay current with your addict and with other people in your life and just tell it like you see it, describing what you see, like a mirror.

For instance, "Gerry, you know I really love you and I've been thinking a lot about what I've been seeing in you lately and I want to share it with you.  I'm not doing this for arguments' sake, but rather, just to let you know what I'm seeing, so you will be able to see your behavior through someone else's eyes. So, there is no need for you to defend yourself. Just listen and then do with the information what you will. I decided it would not be honest or loving for me to see all of these things and not let you know, so I'm letting you know what I see because I really care about you."

Then, just list them. Tell him about the times he came in at 4 am with lipstick on his shirt and a body that reaked of alcohol. Tell her about the way she looks lately, the bags under her eyes and the torn up clothing. Let him know that you are aware of all of his lies about where his money is going and be as specific as possible. Tell her that you know about the drug addicts she has been hanging around with at school and that you found that marijuana in the car the other day. If possible, show it to her. Tell him about the calls from work asking where he was and how when you asked him about it, he told youhe was there, they just couldn't find him and that when he told you that lie, the twitch he always gets when he lies showed up.  Tell her about the calls that have been coming to the house and how whoever was on the other end hung up as soon as you answered. Tell him how many days he has slept in and missed work. Tell her how many times you've seen her running to the bathroom right after dinner and heard her throwing up through the bathroom door. Tell him how much money is missing from the account, how many necklaces or other jewels are missing from your collection. Be clear, concise, concrete, dispassionate, objective. You are not judging or looking down on your friend or relative. You are simply describing behaviors and consequences as if you were describing something you had noticed and found interesting, but did not particularly affect you either way.

The value of doing this confronting objectively, without emotion, is that by doing so, you are allowing the addict to experience the effect of hearing the actual behaviors as if seeing them for him or herself, without your bias or judgement. This allows it to sink in better and to not be deflected back to you. If he or she interrupts or tries to justify or tell you that things are really like that, remind them that you are not accusing or judging, rather, you are simply describing what you are seeing. If they see something different, so be it. But right now, it is your turn to share your perspective with them and you are not really interested in hearing their thoughts on the incidents at this time. Instead, you just want to ask them to sit and listen.

At the end, you might thank them for listening and let them know how much you care about them and are concerned for their wellbeing and that you really want your husband, wife, son, or daughter back. Then, if you feel so inclined, give them a kiss on the cheek or forehead, stand up and walk away.

It is crucial that you do this without judgment, anger or cynicism or they will not be able to hear you. It will be difficult to do so, so you may want to rehearse a few times or have a copy of the list in front of you when you share it. Keep breathing deeply as you share it in order to keep yourself calm.

Interestingly enough, you may not get through all of it in one sitting. You may have several opportunities to share parts of it...These could come on the tail end of other behaviors that come up along the way (after the addict has sobered up or come down from a high of course).  Each will provide you with an opportunity to simply tell the addict what you see as it is happening, again, without judgment or anger. And, if you are calm enough, you can add, 'this concerns me because it reminds of the time you..." and there you have another opportunity to feed back some of what you are seeing with some of what you have seen in the past, again, dispassionately, so the addict can hear what you are saying rather than get caught up in HOW you are saying it.

For some addicts/alcoholics, etc., it will be necessary to hear these things several times, each time a little differently, always in a thoughtful tone, as if you are simply reflecting on their behavior, and willing to be a mirror, not a judge of what is going on with them. Always remember, in the back of your mind, all of the things you love about your family member (remember list one?). If you can keep that list in mind as you speak of their challenging behaviors, it will help you to stay calm.

If you find they will not let you do this sharing, for whatever reason, or that, even after repeating things several times it does not seem to be sinking in, or that you are not able to share this information quietly and calmly, as the process requires, you may want to put it into a letter instead. If you choose at some point to write a letter, the sandwich method often works well:
Part one (bread): write about why you are writing the letter: I love you so much and I have concerns about how you are living your life these days and I want my husband/wife/daughter/son back. In this part, talk about all the things you love about him/her and how much they mean to you.
Part two (the meat): write your list of all the things you have seen them doing/saying/being over the last several weeks/months/years that are of concern to you. Again describe these factually, without judgment, anger or condemnation.
Part three (bread): reiterate how much you care and how you want your family member back and what needs to happen in order for that to happen (whether it is them going into treatment or getting some other form of help).

While there are no guarantees that this will turn the corner, it has done so for some addicts who say that seeing all of their behaviors in writing broke through their denial enough for them to see that they needed help.

Of course, it is crucial that you actually intend to and are willing to and strong enough to follow up on any boundaries or ultimatums you set up in your letter. This is easier said than done, and it is often helpful to have a support group, sponsor, and/or coach to help you do so. You do not have to go it alone. Many have gone before you and support abounds. You just have to be willing to ask. It can be a long road to family healing, but when family members start working the support programs of alanon, naranon, s-anon, gamanon, etc., they are giving their addicts a greater chance of recovery. This is because they are learning skills for being in relationship with an addict while no longer contributing to the disease. Having a coach, therapist, or spiritual director who understands addiction, codependency and recovery can also be extremely helpful and for many co-addicts, is essential.

These tips are just the 'tip' of the iceberg of what you will learn as you walk your recovery journey. And their effective implementation will be much easier, the more you have worked on yourself, kept the focus on your own recovery and gotten to know your own strengths and limitations in terms of what you will and won't live with in your relationships. A life of sanity for YOU is STILL possible whether the alcoholic/addict is still behaving insanely or not. Just KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOU!, get to a meeting on the phone or in person, and join me again next week for another entry of Focus on You!

Have a great week!

With love and recovery,

Recovery Coach Bev
recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/
786 859 4050

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