Keep The Focus on You!

Intro to the 12 Keys

2011-09-07T09:16:00.000-04:00

Introduction to the 12 Keys to Sanity By Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC Family Recovery Coach

Over the past 27 years, I’ve been walking the family recovery path. Perhaps you’ve been walking it with me.

If you have, you know that sometimes the walk feels more like a trudge – like wading through mud in the dark. The situations facing me during those times involve family members struggling with issues I can’t help them with. Inner demons that threaten their lives. And all I can do is watch and pray and hope.

Other times, the walk feels more like a glide. They may or may not be holding their demons at bay, but, I am dealing with mine. For family members, our demons include fear, anger, distrust, resentment. We live and breathe these emotions and often do a great job of sharing our rage with our struggling loved ones.

Over the years, to increase the glide and decrease the trudge, I’ve sought out and put into practice a number of recovery principles and tools. I’ve found these in 12 step programs, meditation programs and teachings, spiritual books and teachings, coaching materials, and self-development classes. I’ve held on to these rafts of wisdom like my life depended on them, because it did. The 12 Steps of Recovery impacted my life so profoundly in their simplicity, their wisdom, the way they compacted thousands of years of wisdom into 12 statements.

After studying religion for many years, I was stunned by the way in which the steps took three essential relationships, that with spirit, self and other, and provided a path to heal and develop one’s ability to BE in each. As a school principal in a religious private school setting, I saw the simplicity that an emphasis on these three relationships could bring to the many action requirements of daily religious life and took every opportunity to emphasize how those actions fit so neatly into one of the three categories of relationship.

Inspired by the simple wisdom of the 12 steps, I was able to see the complexity of religion in a new light: as a path to peace. Then, one day, while reading a religious book, I found a quote by an ancient Rabbi which reinforced what the steps had already taught me.

He said, “A person who has mastered peace of mind has gained everything. To obtain peace of mind, you need to be at peace with the people in your environment. You need to be at peace with yourself; your emotions and esires. Furthermore, you need to be at peace with your Creator.”(Alai Shur, p. 195, Gateways To Happiness by Zelig Pliskin)

This quote, along with hundreds if not thousands of 12 step meetings over the years, brought together two worlds, helped me to gain greater insight and understand more cl early what I had to do to gain the peace I so desperately sought as a family member affected by the addiction of a loved one.

I made my step work a priority in my life, which provided a very simple format for the implementation of these three relationships, and this work helped me to glide more than trudge. For the past few years, as a family recovery coach, I’ve worked with families struggling just as I did.

Not all of them are willing or interested in taking the path of step work or going to meetings. Some tell me they find the meetings confusing or they don’t understand why the family members keep focusing on themselves when the addict is the problem or that everyone else in the meeting seems so far ahead of them. Some don’t see the simplicity in the steps, or the relevance. Frankly, it can take time to ‘get’ their profundity. And of course, they don’t speak to everyone in the same way.or some, it takes a great deal of other input, stated in a variety of ways to get to the glide.

In order to save my clients and students the hundreds of hours of reading, searching, and attending meetings that I had to go through until the inner light came on, I’ve sought to develop a system to simplify what I’ve learned. This work that I do does not eliminate the need for work on the client or student’s part, but it does simplify and shorten the length of the beginning of the work and for those who have been on the path for awhile, it serves as a booster, a reminder, a clarifier, a well needed shot in the arm.

So, I put together these Twelve Keys to Sanity, which culminate in Being a Loving Mirror (BALM), to provide you with a road map to recovery, an additional support on your recovery journey to help YOUR journey move from trudge to glide as often and as quickly as possible.I'm taking a year to outline and explain the keys in a series of free teleseminars and blogs that I started providing in June for you to peruse. You can find those blog posts at www.12stepfamily.com and you can listen to past teleseminars and read past posts by going to http://forms.aweber.com/form/97/632206997.htm .

For those of you looking for a venue in which to deeply practice and grow in this work, of course there will continue to be individual and group coaching opportunities as well. I look forward to sharing this journey with you as we move forward together for the next 27 or more years on our lifelong journey on the recovery path! Stay tuned to my blogs as well as my website at www.beverlybuncher.com, for more information on the many offerings available.

Best to you and yours,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
ICF Professional Certified Coach
Recovery - True Purpose - Career - Life

www.beverlybuncher.com

www.12stepfamily.com

786 859 4050 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 786 859 4050 end_of_the_skype_highlighting

"Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse."

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!
Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity
If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

Holiday Tips for YOUR Sanity - Regardless of the Addict's Choices

2010-11-24T08:57:00.002-05:00

As we move into the holiday season, here are some coaching questions to ask yourself. If you find it useful in helping you stay sane throughout the festivities, spend some time journaling your answers to these Four Foundations of Family Recovery questions).

In what ways are you taking really good care of yourself so that no matter what happens you are feeling sane, happy and relaxed throughout the weekend? (In answer to this question, consider the four aspects of self care: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.)

How could you improve your self care this weekend to increase the peace in your mind and thus, in your home?

How have you prepared to be a loving person this holiday season, to yourself and others? (Being a loving person includes treating your loved ones, whether addicted or not, with dignity and respect. It also means being kind to yourself both by taking care of yourself and by not allowing yourself to be treated badly. It also means not doing for others what they can do for themselves. It also includes learning the skills of mirroring. Mirroring is all about learning how to give your addict honest, non-judgmental feedback on what you see (be careful with this one. Tone is crucial.)

What boundaries have you set to make YOUR life easier, freer, lighter, saner? Remember, your motives for setting a boundary are just as important, if not more important than the actual boundaries you set. If you are setting a boundary to control your addict, everyone loses. It just doesn't work. But if you are setting a boundary for your own benefit, safety and comfort, THAT is a motive destined to work. Of course, don't set any boundary that you are unwilling to follow through with.

What kinds of support do you have in place to make all of this work? Do you have your meetings all lined up? Have you found a family recovery coach to help you learn how to do all of this (while it may be too late for Thanksgiving, Christmas is just around the corner but there is still time)? Do you read recovery literature to help you put it all in perspective and get yourself to cooperate with your best intentions? (There are Alanon phone meetings 4 times a day and sometimes ongoing during holidays. Go to www.alanonphonemeetings.org for more information. Also check out www.alanon.org and www.naranon.org .

If you would like to learn how to put the Four Foundations of Family Recovery into place in YOUR life so you can increase YOUR inner peace and give your addicts a better chance of recovery, send me an email to learn more about the offerings that can help you do just that. I'll send you my brochure, an overview of my Four Foundations of Family Recovery course, and information on my upcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity. You can reach me at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net or give me a call at 786 859 4050.

Breathe through each moment my friends. Just that one thing: slowly, softly, deeply, breathing will help you calm down regardless of other people's decisions!

If I can help, let me know!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Family Recovery Coach

Author of the forthcoming book

The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity

786 859 4050website:

www.theempowermentcoach.net

blogs:

In The Rooms - Richie Supa - at the 12 Step Music Fest

2010-08-12T22:57:00.000-04:00

Check out my other family blog

2010-08-01T07:05:00.000-04:00

Wondering where I've been?

Check out my other family blog: www.12stepfamily.com .

I write that blog on behalf of In The Rooms, the premier social networking site for people in recovery. You can find me, Coach Bev, on In the Rooms as well at www.intherooms.com.

Looking forward to seeing you in both spots - and when you are ready to take your recovery to the next level, give me a call for a complimentary coaching consult.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

How Using The Four Foundations Can Change Your Relationship With Your Addict

2010-07-22T11:34:00.000-04:00

"Everything changes" is a truism that is never more true than in a family affected by the disease of addiction. Unfortunately, watching the addict deteriorate is a very sad example of this change. But when you introduce family recovery into the mix, the picture changes yet again.

For instance, let's take a situation where a wife has been drinking for years. She does very little around the house these days as her husband has taken over more and more of her responsibilities over the years.

Then, someone tells her codependent husband that he is caught up in the family disease of alcoholism. That his wife is not the only one with a problem. That he is sick too. He hires a family recovery coach and starts to work on understanding and practicing The Four Foundations of Family Recovery (self care, being a loving person, setting boundaries, and getting support).

At first, it feels awkward. He makes his list of all of the areas of self care that he has been avoiding (the dentist, annual physicals, physical exercise, etc.) in order to have time to take care of his wife. Slowly, he wakes up to the idea that if he goes on like this, his physical health will deteriorate. So, with his coach's encouragement and support, he makes some doctor appointments and begins to take walks everyday.

This takes time out of his day, so he has to let go of some of the things he has been doing for his wife. Not an easy thing to do.

Time goes on, and he decides to try being a loving person. This means no longer judging and nagging his wife about her drinking, but seeing her as the good and loving person he married who just has a wretched disease. Instead of berating her and doing things for her that she could be doing for herself, he is now speaking to her with respect, treating her with dignity, and letting her handle some of her own responsibilities. When he sees her doing things that exemplify her disease, he describes them to her without judgment as if he were sharing with her a movie he saw that he found interesting but didn't understand and was somewhat worried by. And he doesn't repeat himself forty times. He just shares what he is seeing and lets it go.

She in turn is somewhat shocked every time he opens his mouth. She loses some of her ongoing justification for blaming him for her drinking as he is no longer treating her badly. She begins to see that some of the things she has counted on him for won't get done unless she does them and she starts to see herself through his eyes in a loving compassionate way and begins to wonder how she got herself into this mess in the first place.

At first, she wants to avoid the new reality, so she drinks more, looking for his reaction. He, knowing this might happen, continues to practice the four foundations. He sets some boundaries that work for HIM (not boundaries designed to change her, but boundaries designed to make HIS life better and more livable). Again, this shakes her up and causes some changes to the relationship...

As he is watching all of this, the husband feels some fear and trepidation. He reaches out for more support. His coach recommends that he add an Alanon meeting to his weekly schedule and he does. Now he is out one night a week. His wife is shocked, but she is beginning to see that things have changed.

At this point in the relationship, anything can happen and what does happen is different in every family. In some families, the boundaries the co-addict sets may include treatment. In others, perhaps meetings or therapy or a separation...In this particular family, the wife does decide to pursue treatment and the two of them get to start a new life together, one based on family recovery rather than family disease.

But no matter what happens in any particular family, things do change.

Your addict's best chance at getting well is for YOU to get well. The Four Foundations can help you do that. Meetings can help you do that. Having a coach can help you do that. All of these will help YOU change...and when you change, the people around you are bound to change as well...

Change can be scary but consider the alternative: Allowing things to just deteriorate before your eyes, as you struggle to fix the unfixable as if you are God...

The fact is, nothing changes unless something changes. Often the family members must take the first steps toward change.

Take some time to look at your situation. Are you ready for a new beginning? The only guarantee if you do the work to recover, is that YOU will get well!!! And the hope is that your addict will choose to recover too.

You are worth it!

Want to learn more about how to bring the Four Foundations into your life?

Call me today for a complimentary consult and get started on the journey of a lifetime!

All the best,

Bev

Coach Beverly Buncher, MA, CEC

Family Recovery Coach

Author of the Forthcoming Book: The Four Foundations of Recovery

786 859 4050

www.theempowermentcoach.net

www.12stepfamily.com

www.familyrecoverycoach.org

www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com

Are You Coming to the Naranon Convention in South Florida This Weekend?

2010-05-25T20:29:00.000-04:00

Hope to see you at the Naranon convention in Ft Lauderdale, Florida, this Friday, May 28th!

http://12stepfamily.com/2010/05/25/upcoming-nar-anon-convention-in-south-florida-join-me/

Finding Your Life Purpose - How Will It Change Your Life?

2010-05-25T20:27:00.000-04:00

For the answer to this question, click on the link below.

http://12stepfamily.com/2010/05/25/when-you-find-your-life-purpose-then-what-will-you-do/

Living Life One Breath At A Time

2010-03-19T17:19:00.001-04:00

Hi!
Today I'm breathing through the moments. Sounds funny I know since in fact we breathe through every moment...In fact, breathing provides the proof of life. But how many times are we conscious in our breathing? focused on it? aware of its in and out, its up and down, its expansion and contraction. The breath when simply watched provides a beautiful metaphor for life. Sometimes it is dramatic and deep, others soft and barely perceivable. But always it is there.

What is your breath like today? Is it fast to represent the fearful thoughts you are thinking? or slow,deep and steady to reflect your sense of deep relaxation? Is it shallowly traveling through your upper chest for awhile and then suddenly sharp to catch up with itself? What does it tell you about how your life is going? Where your thoughts are taking you? What your feelings are showing?

Breath.

We take it for granted, yet, it is our barometer for living and in Alanon, when a newcomer or an oldcomer gets completely consumed by an upsetting thought, we ask them: How important is it? Does it affect your breathing? (Usually, though it may quicken the breath, the thought doesn't end it) When the newcomer says, 'No, I'm still breathing.' We say, "Then it's not that important.

So often, it is not what is happening in our lives that has the potential to kill us, but the way we are thinking about what is happening.

The mind is a funny thing. We think we are tricking it when we multi-task, but truly, the mind can only think about one thing at a time and so mult-tasking is really one-thing-after-another-only-very-quickly-tasking.

If we choose to, we can slow down our brains and the torrent of thoughts flowing through it by paying attention to our breath. Watch it as it moves in and out.Watch its clarity, its zig zags, its wiggle waggles as it moves into and out of our bodies.

And watch how, when you are paying attention to your breath, your mind is consumed by that and has very little energy if any to pay to whatever anxious thoughts or feelings seemed so very important only seconds ago.

Watch your breath, and when you find you have forgotten, bring your mind back to your breath. It's a practice to strengthen your ability to focus, to relax, to simply BE.

Send me a note to let me know your experience with this practice. Taken together with other inner work it can be truly transformative.

Thanks for reading!

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, Family Recovery Coach
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.12stepfamily.com/
http://www.familyrecoverycoach.org/

Here Are Some Support Options For Family Members!

2010-03-11T23:57:00.000-05:00

Hi All!
In my In the Rooms blog tonight, I wrote about different types of support available for families of addicts. Take a look and see if it is helpful for you! http://www.12stepfamily.com/ .

Visit me at 12StepFamily and on In The Rooms, the recovery social network.
Coach Bev
Family Recovery Coach
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.12stepfamily.com/
http://www.familyrecoverycoach.org/
http://www.intherooms.com/

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

2010-03-09T20:34:00.002-05:00

Recovery is a lifelong journey. As such, sometimes we move straight forward and sometimes, we slide backward for a moment, or hour, or day or two. This past weekend, I had a codependent slip.

I bugged my family members about things I wanted them to do my way and when they asked me to stop, I bugged them some more.

Finally, one of my loved ones said, "I think you are having a codependent slip."

And, because 26 years of Alanon and Naranon and over 30 years of 12 stepping does tend to make one self-aware, I listened, thought back over my behavior of the past two days, and said, "Wow, you are right!"

Still, it took me another couple of hours to stop pushing my will on the people I love.

This is the nature of recovery. We learn new ways of thinking and being, and as we grow, we use them more and more. But not always and not perfectly. Two steps forward, one step back.

This understanding of my own process is important for me to remember, not only for my own self-acceptance, but also for my ability to live with the addicts in my life in peace. They aren't perfect either. They struggle with behaviors and feelings related to cravings, substances, abstinence, etc. And I struggle with the behavior of trying to control their struggles with their substances, behaviors, feelings, cravings, etc.

Recently, I read in the book Uppers, Downers and All Arounders: Physical and Mental Effects of Psychoactive Drugs - 6th Edition - by Inaba and Cohen (2007. CNS Productions), that the brain of an active codependent reacts similarly to that of a using drug addict. In other words, that Alanon saying "they are addicted to alcohol and we are addicted to them" is more than a slogan. It's a brain thing...

So, what does that mean?

For me today, it's a reminder that my brain needs recovery just as much as the brain of the addict I love. So, one day at a time, it's important that I trust God, clean house, and help others; in other words, work the steps, practice healthy thinking and acting, and let go of old behaviors and habits!

Have you ever had a codependent slip? Would love to hear about it and how you stepped back into a recovery mode!

Love and All the best,

Recovery Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.12stepfamily.com/
http://www.intherooms.com/

Would you like to have a complimentary coaching session to see if we would work well together? Drop me an email or contact me on http://www.intherooms.com/ . My name on intherooms is Coach Bev. See you there!

"My Spouse Is Ignoring His Recovery...."

2010-03-01T22:54:00.003-05:00

What Do You Do If Your Sober Loved One Seems to Be Losing Their Recovery Bearings?
Sometimes, it's easier to just go along than to notice and observe and comment on what we are seeing. But, when you live with an addict, using or sober, ignoring what you are seeing can prove to be deadly.

It is certainly not effective to nag. But neither is it worthwhile to ignore things the addict in your life may be doing that may be taking them down a dangerous path.

The AA Big Book discusses the way newly sober alcoholics either immerse themselves in their recovery or immerse themselves in their work. Likewise, veterans in recovery can be seen continuing to immerse themselves in taking sponsees through the steps, speaking at meetings and doing service, or just barely making it to a meeting a week as they watch their life in sobriety take off around them, offering them so many interesting options at work and in the community that they barely seem to have time to deal with recovery activities and service anymore. Others may simply immerse themselves in work and TV watching and leave it at that. At first, these options may seem harmless. But they are not, and the earlier it is addressed the better. So what is a spouse or significant other to do when they see their loved one pulling away from their recovery roots as their life in recovery evolves?

Say what you see, say what you mean, but don't say it mean. In other words, no nagging, bugging, hassling, or harrassing. Instead, mirror what you see. Describe it, noticing the good as well as the troubling, and being aware all the while, that you are not the judge or the police officer in the relationship. Rather, you are the concerned person who loves the addict and is willing to tell them what you see and then LET GO and LET GOD work with them on what all of it means to them, while you then turn back to minding YOUR OWN business.

Should you not be their mirror, or should they ignore or spurn your input, as time goes by, you may notice some of the old behaviors coming back, then some of the old friends, and, before you know it...Well, you know the routine, and it's not pretty. So, it is not your job to be their watchdog, just their mirror, in a detached, loving way. And in case they don't get it, if you have taken care of yourself you will be okay regardless. So don't forget your recovery; spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Speaking with a sober and clean addict about their recovery has a lot in common with speaking with a using addict in that it is CRUCIAL to drop all judgment, harshness and lack of respect during the conversation. In fact, these types of behaviors will be showing up less and less in your life in general, if you yourself are working a recovery program.

Of course there is one HUGE difference between speaking with a using addict and speaking with a sober one: You now have someone who, if you speak respectfully and non-judgmentally will likely be able to hear you, may appreciate your concern, and may decide to engage in a civil conversation about this sensitive topic. In addition, they will remember that the conversation happened and may even choose to continue the talk without resentment the next day...

Here's how the conversation might go...
Start with what you are seeing such as...
* lots of fun activities, friends, sporting events, etc (whatever they are engaged in that you notice that is positive
* not so many meetings, phone calls, sponsees, talks with sponsor, etc. (whatever appears to be missing in their life in terms of their program)

* their temper flaring more than it does when they go to meetings regularly

*their paranoia or irritation growing more than it has in all of their years of sobriety

* they are eating more or gambling more (or whatever switched addictive behavior you are noticing)
* some of their old sick friends are beginning to call the house again

Tell them about your concerns such as...
*From what I know about recovery, it is a lifelong journey and those who neglect it can have problems build up and end up in what looks like a sudden relapse that has actually building for years
* when an addict doesn't work some type of recovery program (whether through 12 steps or other venues, including therapy, recovery coaching, smart recovery, spiritual pursuits, or whatever allows them to focus on enhancing recovery in their lives), they might be more liable to switching addictions and/or get slowly lulled into a life that is less than the promises promise them
*or whatever your concerns are (remember, the key is respect and concern and non-judgment. you are two adults discussing a concern rationally)

Let them know that you love them regardless of their choices, AND that you have boundaries (which they probably are already aware of) such as...
* a sober lifestyle as a prerequisite for the two of you to be together
* the need for addicts who you live with to go to meetings, therapy or a recovery coach (or 2 of the three or all three)
* you put your own recovery first and if you find that the way they are behaving begins to impact negatively on your recovery, you will always share it and if necessary take action to protect your own recovery.
Of course, the key to boundary setting is to NOT say things you don't mean and to be sure not to threaten, only to state facts and to say whatever you say in a loving way that gets your point across in as few words as possible.

So, all of this is just to say that when someone you love is an addict, you have a role to play in their recovery, but it is not the leading role. That is theirs and God's. Your role is to take care of yourself, work your own program and when you see things that concern you, say them lovingly and clearly and then let them go.

There are options for people who say they are burnt out on the steps or the program or are looking for a new way of getting help or renewing themselves. Recovery coaching offers a path of goal setting and action planning that can guide an addict or family member to develop a plan for their life in recovery and have a built in accountability partner to walk the walk with them. It's not an 'instead of' the 12 steps path, but it could be an alternative or a steppingstone for those who feel alienated or alone or bored or complacent on the path they have been following.

As always, the key to our sharing our truth with another person is to share the things we are observing, without judgment and then to let go and live our truth ourselves. Being, not doing, as they say in Naranon, is the most effective way to help another person...and ourselves.

Coming up in future blogs:

Detachment: How It Works
Life Purpose: The Next Step on the Recovery Path

when life happens, how do you respond?

2010-02-26T09:41:00.000-05:00

Day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment, life appears in all of its many guises...One day we make a sale at work; the next day we don't. One day our son or daughter is on the honor roll; the next day we are making arrangements to take them into treatment. One day we win the lottery; the next, our home is in foreclosure. Extreme examples perhaps, but you get the picture. So my question for you today remains: When Life Happens, How Do You Respond?

This is a particularly important question for families of addicts and alcoholics since for us, the extremes of life can too often show up as reality.

Recently, Gloria Ramirez (http://www.gloriaramirez.com/), a teacher of mine, talked about this issue of how to respond when life shows up. "It's a matter of managing our energy," she explained, meaning, not being thrown by the good or the bad, but staying centered, present, and calm regardless of what comes our way.

This management of energy, whether we are celebrating getting a promotion or being given a foreclosure summons, provides us with a rule of thumb that can serve us well when dealing with the situations that addiction brings into our lives. For instance, let's say your spouse doesn't come home one evening, and when he does come he reeks of alcohol and has lipstick on his shirt.

You might stay up waiting for him, expecting the worst, scream and yell at him and call him every name in the book when he does get home. How would that work for you? How will YOU feel if you do this (beyond the value of venting)? Will he even remember it happened in the morning? What will it accomplish?

Or, you could put him in God's hands and keep the focus on yourself. What is best for you right now? An early night's sleep? Being fresh for work and your children in the morning? Keeping yourself in a positive frame of mind so that no matter he is doing you are able to live your life well?

These questions could take you to sanity or you could reject them as absurd. But the fact is, the day by day decisions we make as family members of addicts can have a HUGE impact on our emotional health and sanity, as well as on the addict's potential recovery...

The next day, if you stayed up and screamed the night before, chances are you are in no mood to talk to or even be civil to your spouse.

But, if you took care of yourself, you can wake up and be pleasant, say good morning, and move forward with your day, letting him deal with the uncertainties of his life without your judgment of him clouding his own judgments of himself.

And if he asks you any questions about the night before, you can describe what you did and saw without judgment, sarcasm, anger or criticism, "Honey, you weren't home by the time I needed to go to sleep, so I did so.When I woke up this morning, I noticed your shirt had lipstick on it." (It is so important not to have any anger or judgment in your voice as you describe this! You are an observer. A mirror. NOT a judge! In this moment, you are not even a jealous wife. You are a mirror!)

Remember: when we let them experience their behavior without getting in the way by judging and criticizing them, they get to face themselves, they get a mirror of their behavior without any distortion that would keep them from seeing their behavior for what it is. And even if they don't choose to use the opportunity to grow, we haven't ruined another day of our lives with fruitless rage.

If this approach brings up questions, confusion, even anger in you, take some deep breaths. Take a look at the classic Alanon book The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage and let's keep talking.

Being married to an alcoholic or addict who is still in their addiction is one of life's great challenges. And it can be one of life's great opportunities for inner growth! Learning to manage our energy is one of the tools which will really help! Write and tell me some of your experiences along the journey!

Family Recovery Coach Bev
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/

how is moving similar to being in relationship with an addict?

2010-02-11T14:58:00.000-05:00

My husband and I moved on Sunday from the four bedroom home (2400 square feet) we had lived in for the last 12 years to a two bedroom apartment. (1200 square feet). In preparation for that move, we threw, sold, or gave away about half of all we had amassed over the past 24 1/2 years of marriage.

As I watched a second bedroom set, a wrap-around desk, 40 boxes of books, countless knick knacks, dishes, serving platters, utensils, linens, and bags of clothing make their way into the arms of friends, family and strangers, I observed a parade of memories and feelings move through me. Some I allowed to pass quite easily. Others I clung to and cried over as they made their way out of my life.

And then there were all of the books, knick knacks, files, notebooks, blankets, etc., that I just couldn't let go of, that are sitting in my new home, taking up more space than I have, piled high in boxes that hug the walls and cover corners of my new four room home. When I decided before the move not to buy storage space, I made a commitment to get rid of whatever doesn't fit. Many of these, I stacked in the den closet, with a plan to take them out, one by one, and reassess their contents, only keeping them if I could find something else in the apartment to give away.

So now that we are all here, my husband, our stuff and I, I am working with those parts of myself that simply don't want to let go, in order to get brave and strong enough to let the past and much of its material evidence, go. And there is the rub: if I let go of the stuff, does that mean the past never happened?

On some level, the part of me doesn't want to let go says yes. Without the evidence, it truly never did.

In this way, moving is much like being involved with an addict. Over the course of the years of relating to an addict, there are invariably some events, situations and interactions that come and go, leaving memories in the form of scars, wounds, sadness, anger, and resentment. If we choose, at a certain point, to let go of the bad old days, and to simply live in each new moment that presents itself, are we denying the very real pain we felt, the negative actions of someone we loved?

Sometimes it feels like we must remember all of the many ways we were wronged in order to keep them from happening again. But, much like extra shoes, books, sweaters, and knick knacks that we no longer need, these old hurtful feelings, when nurtured beyond their time, end up owning us, overwhelming us, boxing us in to days gone by, and drowning us in a sea of sadness and resentment, keeping us blind to the potential 'open spaces' we could be enjoying without them in our life.

My answer to the part that says it never happened if I don't hold on to it is "I disagree. It did happen, but it's over and it is time to let it go in order to make room for new memories to be made." What is your answer to the part that is demanding you hold on to all of your things or all of the bad feelings you have accumulated over the years? I'd love to hear from you! Write your comments below or send them to me at bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net.

Next week, we will look at how to decide what to let go of and what to hold on to and how to actually let go of things, feelings, places, ideas, etc., that no longer serve us.

Coaching Thought:
This day offers possibilities of spacious freedom, both in our hearts and in the environments we occupy. All we have to do is ground ourselves in each moment, in each precious in-breath and out-breath and we can begin to enjoy the possibilities.

Coaching Question:
What are you holding onto beyond its time? What are you feeling and refeeling over and over again that is keeping you tied to the past and out of the peace of the present moment?

Is your loved one recovered in body but not in spirit? Are you?

2010-01-26T22:19:00.001-05:00

"What? Are you describing me?" is what the last person I asked this question to answered.

If this applies to you, you'll know. You'll feel it in your bones.

For others, the question is, "huh?"

Recovered in body but not in spirit is more common than we'd like to think. It's about a dry drunk - the alcoholic who no longer drinks, but hasn't done any inner work to change her state of mind. Though the alcohol bills have gone down, and there aren't any bottles hidden around the house anymore, her mind is still caught up in anger, resentment and fear, often unexamined, hidden, and bursting at the seams.

It's about the codependent husband who no longer yells at his wife for using, but isn't thinking, speaking or behaving in a loving manner from deep within. The anger is still there; the resentment for all of the pain caused by his wife's addiction; the fear of what the future will bring. But it isn't expressed or focused on outwardly anymore. Instead, he is seething underneath the surface, under a plastic smile of tolerance.

Of course, these are just examples. Fill in the details of someone you know to get a better understanding of what recovered in body but not in spirit looks like to you.

So, what does recovery in both body and spirit look like?

It too, is highly individual in its manifestation. Generally speaking, it feels like a cool summer breeze, refreshing and relaxing.

It's the codependent spouse who detaches from the alcoholic's behavior with love, the alcoholic who no longer drinks or the addict who no longer uses and their minds are at ease. They have turned away from lying and cheating and stealing; manipulating, controlling, and resenting. They have a calm about them. They remember their past both as a tool to help others and to remind themselves not to return to it; not as a tool for self-loathing, shame, resentment, or guilt. They live in the present serenely, facing each of life's challenges peacefully, with wonder and acceptance. They face the future with curiousity and courage. It's not that nothing bad or challenging happens to them; it's just that they have access to Inner Resources that they know will get them through whatever they are facing. And as for the mistakes they've made, the people they've hurt? They've taken inventory of their failures, made amends when appropriate, and have a way of monitoring their behaviors to keep them moving on a positive path.

For some, it's 12 steps. For others, a WRAP (wellness recovery action plan). For others still, a strong sense of their own life purpose and how to go about manifesting it. Just as there is no one drug or drink that suits all, there is no one recovery path that fits everyone.

But being recovered in body and spirit is possible for everyone, each in their own time, each in their own way.

What would being recovered in body and spirit look like for you or for your loved one? How might you go about making it happen beginning today?

What is the difference between giving up and letting go?

2010-01-15T22:16:00.002-05:00

Giving up signals hopelessness. When we give up without letting go, we are often embittered, angry and frustrated.

And that anger and frustration is understandable since, at times, loving a person who is abusing alcohol or other drugs can be exasperating. Just when you think things are getting better, it becomes clear that they aren't. Just when you think that your loved one is getting recovery, you find that they aren't.

After awhile, the ups and downs of the cycles of relapse and recovery can wear away even the most patient co-addict's nerves.

So, what's a person to do? Put up with it? Run away? Kick them out? Yell and scream? For each person, the decision of how to deal with a loved one's repeated relapses is a personal one. Yet, some actions can be more effective than others...and so the key word is decision.

Many of us feel responsible for the addicts in our life, as if we should be able to make it all better for them. But, the fact is, another person's behavior is their responsibility, not ours, just as our own behavior is our own responsibility. And that is where letting go comes in.

The Serenity Prayer clarifies the importance and difficulty of letting go of others' behaviors. In it, we ask God for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

While it is almost impossible to change someone else, trying to do so feels more important (and is in some ways easier) than putting our focus on that which we can change, namely, ourselves. Yet, when we keep trying to do something we cannot do instead of doing that which we can do, we just get crazier and crazier often without making any headway at all.

Letting go is hopeful, yet realistic. In doing so, we admit our own powerlessness to change the addict, while putting faith in a Higher Power who can do so. Though we know there are no guarantees, in letting go we gain serenity and courage to put our change mechanism into place where it needs to be: on ourselves.

The phrase Let Go and Let God says it all. Yet, letting go and letting God is probably one of the most difficult things a co-addict can do. When we truly let go and let God, we put our loved ones in the hands of a Power that can help them, while relieving ourselves of the burden of having to singlehandedly change other people.

This does not mean we give up on the addict. It simply means we let go of the results of our efforts. We love our addict and give them our honest, loving feedback without needing them to listen to us or do what we say. We accept them exactly as they are and put outcomes in the hands of God as we understand God. Then, we work on ourselves.

When we do this, we become models of recovery for the people we love. They get to look at themselves without our constantly guilting them, and their chances of recovery increase as they get the chance to see themselves without having our yelling or nagging (which we have stopped doing) to blame for their problems.

For more information on how to help a co-addict get sober, sign up for my free e-book 'How Can I Get Them Sober? A Guide for Spouses and Friends of Addicts' on my website at http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/ or call me for a free consultation at 786 859 4050.

All the best,

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Family Recovery Coach

Expect Them To Recover

2010-01-06T12:25:00.000-05:00

When you have a relative or friend who is active in their addiction, or newly sober, or newly sober for the third or fourth time after another relapse, it's natural to wonder, to worry, to not want to get your hopes up too high. After all, what if they never recover or what if it doesn't last or what if it's just another short bout of recovery followed by another relapse?

The what if game is easy to fall into and almost serves as a form of self protection for those of us who feel the pain and trauma of our addict's choices so deeply.

But, let's try another kind of what if game.

What if, just for a moment at a time, we expect our addicts to recover, we expect them to get it, we expect things to get better? What if, regardless of how things look on the outside, and how many times we have had our expectations dashed, we simply expected an upward turn.

What then?

"Well," you might say, "then I'd be setting myself up for a let down. I can't take the disappointment. It's too difficult."

Okay. So let's look at that. Who is this about? You or the loved one? I would say it is about both of you and that having a positive expectation is healthy for both of you. In fact, I'd like to posit that the value of a positive expectation is two fold:
1. it gives us the ability to feel good about the potential of the future and affects the way we see our addict (as someone with potential rather than as a deadbeat or a lost cause)
2. it allows our relationship with the addict to unfold from a perspective of positivity rather than from that of negativity.

Research has shown that people who have an optimistic outlook on life generally have about three positive thoughts for every negative thought they have. These thoughts then affect how they feel physically, mentally, and emotionally and how they see others and act toward them.

Although being related to someone who is ill with addiction can tax one's optimistic reserves, recovery is about building up the reserves once again. We do this first by focusing on all that we do have to be grateful for in our lives in this moment, second, by seeing the potential in ourselves and in the people we love, and third, by always looking for the good, for the positive possibilities and for what's right in our lives and in the world.

But what happens if we have positive expectations and the addict has a slip anyway?

Of course, another's actual behavior is completely out of control. But, our response is totally within our control and is much easier to control if we create habits of mind that keep us focused on what is going right. The value of building these habits cannot be overestimated.

When we see the addict slip, our reaction can be one of "OH MY GOD" or of "okay, here's a sign that there is more work to be done."

When we don't blow things out of perspective, we don't contribute to things getting worse. We become a partner in the journey who can be counted on to have their head on their shoulders and be supportive without being overwhelmed.

Yes, addiction is a relapsable illness. And we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. BUT, we don't have to contribute to it. And by having a positive expectation for the addict's future, while keeping the focus of our thoughts on our own lives, we can make a positive difference in their recovery by not contributing negatively to any of their behaviors or experiences.

And when we let our addicts know that we have faith in them and in their ability to recover and live a sane and happy substance-free life, we help them to grow in faith that a future of recovery IS possible for them, regardless of how things look right now.

Their Best Chance of Recovery Is You!

2009-12-23T13:44:00.003-05:00

In family support groups such as Naranon, Alanon, and S-anon; we hear the words "Keep the focus on yourself!"and "Mind your own business" over and over again. Yet, at the same time, we hear the oldtimers in the meetings say that, although there are no guarantees of the addict's recovery, their best chance to recover comes from our working our own program, our getting recovered ourselves.

So, you may wonder, how can these two things go together? In other words, if I'm not in their business, running things, getting them to do things my way, how can I be the one to give them the best chance of recovery?

Good question - and here is how it works:

Before we understand our problem (the disease of co-addiction), the solution (sanity), and the plan of action (such as the 12 steps of recovery), all we know is that our loved one is suffering, and so we suffer along with them and try with all our might to fix things for them. We watch them get sicker and sicker, and we ourselves often get crazier and crazier as we try to fix their problem by trying to make them stop using.

Sooner or later, we see that what we are doing does not work. Our resentment grows as we see that not only do they not get better, but they are mad at us for all that we do to try to help. And, as we go down the tubes emotionally and mentally from the stress and strain of the situation, the rest of the world (our other relatives, friends, and people at work and in the neighborhood) sees our deterioration and judges us for it and for putting up with this crazy spouse or child or sibling or parent who is putting us through so much.

So, we come into the rooms or arrive at our coach's door with less of our self-esteem intact than we'd like to have and enough self-righteous indignation to cause an explosion. We feel at once like our loved one's using is both not our fault and completely our fault.

After awhile, we come to understand that our addict's addiction is not our fault. But, we also begin to see that if we continue to control and enable them in the ways we have been, we may actually be contributing to their inability to get well. At the same time, we learn that if we focus on our own recovery diligently, we will become powerful role models of sane and happy living who our addicts want to emulate, rather than fight or run from.

What does this mean and how does it work?

With each action and interaction, people affect each other. When your addict uses you feel terrible. When you try to help them and are not successful, the natural tendency is to try harder. This push against their behavior causes them to push back even harder. In other words, 'that which we resist persists.'

You may have experienced this in your own life. You have a habit that irritates someone you love. They bug you about it, and if the habit is deeply imbedded in your psyche, you probably find that it becomes even harder to break the more they bug you. And, if they get more insistent and you become less able to fight the urge they are pressing you about, you may even find yourself getting angry at them for bugging you about breaking a habit that you would LIKE to break, but simply can't.

At this point, a cycle of you engaging in the habit, them fighting you and you getting mad at them begins. The worse it gets, the more imbedded the habit gets and the less you are able or even inclined to focus on your role in getting rid of the habit. Instead, you are spending all of your energy fighting the person or people who are bugging you about changing. This is human nature: 'that which you resist persists' and is also at the core of the relationship between the addict and the co-addict when that relationship is NOT working.

Recovery disentangles the dysfunctional web of push-pull and replaces it with tools for detachment that allow you to let go of the addict's behavior and serve as a mirror instead of as an adversary in his or her life.

Imagine, if when your loved one noticed your habit (the one that was driving them crazy), instead of bugging you about it, they simply noticed it, described what they were seeing without judgment, and offered you support while also respecting your own ability to choose next steps. Imagine if, instead of judging, nagging and pushing you to change, they simply let you know what their boundaries were around the behavior. Suddenly, you would have to look at yourself because there would be no one to blame for nagging you...

Sometimes it helps to see the relationship we have with our using loved one as just a more extreme example of any relationship where one person wants another to change. When we can put ourselves into our addict's shoes, the whole process of learning how to detach, how to be a mirror, how to keep the focus on our own lives and how to respect their life choices while protecting ourselves by setting up boundaries, can become easier to understand and implement.

These are the behaviors that will change the nature of your relationship with your addict. But make no mistake, doing so is simple, but not easy. It takes discipline, support, and the ability to look at oneself as an imperfect, vulnerable person with quirks, habits, and defects as well.

The 12 steps and the 12 step support groups provide one very clear path to help you develop a plan of action that will allow you to keep the focus on yourself in ways that increase your potentially positive impact on your addict. Having a coach to work with can supplement your work in your support group, potentially accelerating your growth.

By diving deeply into recovery, with all of yourself, you become your best self, regardless of whether the addict is using or not. You learn how to effectively implement the tools of recovery in your relationship with your addict and as a result, your life gets better and, though there are no guarantees, YOU become your addict's best chance to recover.

Have a wonderful week and enjoy the holiday season one blessed moment at a time.

See you next week!

Recovery Coach Bev

Readers, please note:
These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping Families of Addicts Find Their Way

786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.familyrecoverycoach.blogspot.com/ (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/ (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/ (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

What if I say or do the wrong thing?

2009-12-14T22:04:00.004-05:00

With the holidays here for some and approaching for others, opportunities to interact with family members may inevitably lead us to to say or do some unhelpful and even unloving things to the addicts we love.

It's not just possible, it's probable. Why? Well, I guess there could be many reasons:
1.Maybe we just don't know the right thing to say or do.
2. Old habits die hard.
3. We are human.
4. Sometimes we do know what is best to say but we are so caught up in the situation we are in with our addict, that we succumb to the feelings of desperation, worry and fear that course through our minds and bodies in the form of negative thought projections.

So what's a family member to do to prevent the problem and to fix it when it happens?

Well, just as addicts have slips, so too do family members. And just as addicts have to get used to watching themselves have and then let go of thoughts of using if they are to stay sober, we too have to get used to watching ourselves have and then let go of thoughts of horrible endings that can lead us to nagging, harranguing, questioning, and verbally taunting our addicts, if we are to abstain from these behaviors and enjoy peaceful loving relationships with those around us.

But, you may say, what if I'm afraid my addict is using or getting him or herself into a situation or lifestyle that is putting him/her on the path to great danger and the thoughts overpower me? Or what if I am being disrespected? Don't I have to say something? To do something?

These are excellent questions. To answer them, let's talk for a moment about a few things: Thoughts, fears, what helps, and what does not.

First, on thoughts:
Thoughts are not facts. They are simply sentences strung together in our minds that move through quickly, making room for the next thoughts coming after them. Think of them as clouds moving through the sky. Left to their own devices they come and they go. Ever sit and watch your thoughts? To do so provides a wonderful experience as it shows us first hand how we are more than our thoughts. We are the one watching the thoughts. Just as the clouds are not the sky, but are in the sky, moving through it; our thoughts are not us, they are simply moving through us. We produce them ad nauseum and can choose which ones to focus on and act on, if we realize this simple idea: Thoughts are usually not important unless and until we give them importance by focusing our energy and attention on them.

So what does this mean in terms of our relationship to our addicts? Being in relationship with an alcoholic or addict of any kind is one of life's great challenges in that it has the potential to send our thoughts flying with questions of 'what if' and 'what then' that can drive even a calm person crazy. Yet, most of these thoughts, though emotion-filled and potentially true, will not help our addict if we use them to ask a million questions, question behaviors, watch them like a hawk, or otherwise harrass or harrangue them.

Instead, all it does to make these thoughts primary in our minds is to make us crazier and crazier, and drive a wedge between us and the addict that makes life harder and harder for us, for them, and for the relationship.

And yet, most people who love addicts find themselves impaired in some way by the experience and dysfunctional in the way they relate to their addict. It is life depleting to watch a person you love hurt themselves (and those around them) and not be able to do anything about it. But there are things you can do about those thoughts you have that are telling you how dire your situation is.

A few of them include:
1. Taking some deep slow breaths and bringing your mind back to the present moment and away from the roller coaster ride of what if's and what then's.
2. Go to a support group meeting (see the list below) where you will find others like you who have found a better way to live their life than being tied up in knots over their addict.
3. Keep in mind the slogans of the 12 step programs such as: 'One Day at a Time', 'Easy Does It', 'Stay in Present Time', 'How Important Is It? Does it Affect Your Breathing? If not, it's not that important.'
4. Remember that thoughts are not facts. Just because you have a scary thought does not mean it is something you need to act on. And even if it is factual, it may not be yours to deal with. It's okay to respect other people's ability to take responsibility for their own life.

Which brings us to the next thing: FEAR. In the 12 step programs, fear is known as:
F - False
E - Expectations
A - Appearing
R - Real

This is particularly important for co-addicts to remember as we can use this understanding to help us keep the fears that run through our minds in perspective. When we let our fears run our minds, they have more of a chance of running our lives. So again, the importance of remembering that we are not our thoughts, and our thoughts are not reality unless we decide to give them the power to dictate all that we believe and act on. This brings us to our next subject: when it comes to dealing with an addict, what helps and what doesn't?

Well, if you have been reading this blog over the past several months, you may have noticed that most of what helps happens between our two ears. When we admit our powerless over the addict, step one of the 12 steps, we put into motion a whole new perspective on our lives and what we do have power over and that, my friends, is clearly, ourselves.

While we are powerless over people outside of ourselves, we do have the power to change how we view them, how we view our role in our own and their lives, and then to take action based on that new understanding.

For instance, let's talk about observing our thoughts. This is actually a discipline that people literally spend lifetimes practicing, to great benefit. One of the things it is known as is mindfulness meditation. When we meditate mindfully, we are allowing ourselves to observe our breath, our thoughts, the sounds we hear, our bodies, and the world around and within us without judgment. We simply watch, listen, and experience life at each present moment. One can take classes to learn to meditate or use a book or CD to do so. Whatever the vehicle of learning, the practice itself has the effect of calming the mind significantly and allowing the meditator to begin to tell the difference between sanity and insanity in his/her own mind. It is a powerful way to begin each day with benefits that carry over throughout the moments of the day more and more with each day of practice.

As also mentioned above, it is crucial, in this work of 'being there' for ourselves and our addicts, to have others to talk to who understand and will bring us back to our senses when we get off track. For people in the 12 step programs, getting a sponsor who has been there and walked the path you are trying to walk is crucial. Getting a recovery coach can greatly help as well. A coach can ask you questions that will bring you to deeper understandings of yourself in relation to yourself, your addict, and your life.

As one client described it, "When working with my coach, the assignments she gave me helped me to suddenly remember lots of things that my addict had done that I had somehow forgotten." (As they say, 'Denial is not just a river in Egypt!') By gathering all of these incidents together into a list, the client was able to work with his coach to develop a plan of how he would speak with his addict in a way that would be helpful rather than harmful. It was the beginning of the end of active addiction in that household.

Finally, what do you do if you have said or done something you know or have since learned was not the best thing to say or do?

As a renowned addiction therapist once said in answer to a client's guilt and shame about past behaviors in the client's life, "Some of these things you just have to flush."

And indeed, sometimes we just have to face it. We may cherish or revile our stories of pain, suffering, martyrdom and even guilt so much that we feel we have to think about them over and over again in order to keep the story alive within us. But maybe it is time to flush the guilt, the shame, the pain, the poor me story. Maybe it is time to watch the thoughts that tell us that the sky is falling and give them no more attention than thoughts that say the grass is purple. Maybe it is time to become so grounded in each moment, in each ray of sunshine, each blade of grass, each in and out breath, each step we take on the pavement of life that we no longer have attention to give to thoughts of suffering, self-pity and worry.

This is not to say we forget about our addict or 'the situation' but that we put it in its proper perspective by going to meetings, praying and meditating, sharing what's going on in our lives with other people who understand what it means to live with and love an addict and will listen and give us constructive feedback that will help us grow.

The other day I went to a meeting where the topic hit me below the belt and I shared some fears of the future that I had been allowing to fester within me over the past few days. At that meeting were four wonderful people who I'd been mentoring. One after the other, they shared with me the exact words I needed to hear....'Stay in present time. One day at a time. Stop projecting and live in the moment. Let go and let God.' I needed to be listened to, which they did, and to be put back on track, which they did.

I go to meetings, share with others, sponsor and get sponsored, and get coached not only in order to avoid making the same old mistakes in my relationships with my loved ones, but also to bounce back more quickly when I do. This is how it works. When we are honest, open, and willing to change, we grow. As an old timer I know used to say, it's a matter of 'practice, practice; fall, fall; practice, practice; fall fall..."
And so it goes.

We are called to progress, not to be perfect. And if we are willing, we will change, and we will progress.

Have a wonderful week and enjoy the holiday season one blessed moment at a time.

See you next week!

Recovery Coach Bev

Readers, please note:

These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping People in Recovery Find Their Way
786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/ (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/ (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/ (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

The Pitfalls of Early Recovery and How to Avoid Them

2009-12-07T09:28:00.073-05:00

Ever meet the parent or spouse of someone in treatment?

On the one hand, they may look like someone who just got hit by a truck - still traumatized by the months or years of struggle with their addict. On the other, they have a sense of peace when they tell you "At least now I don't worry day and night about where they are or who they are with. They're in treatment, they are safe. I can sleep at night - finally!"

And after detox is over and the addict has had a few weeks to adjust and begin thinking clearly, you might even see a glimmer of hope in the parent or spouse's eye when they tell you how great their addict looks and feels and talks while in treatment - "They seem to have a whole new lease on life!" or "It's like having my old son/husband/daughter/wife back again!"

But, underlying it all is that fear, that old feeling, of waiting for the other shoe to drop...especially if this isn't their loved one's first treatment or if the family member has sat in 12 step or treatment center meetings and heard the horror stories of people relapsing almost as soon as they get out..."Well, there are no guarantees. This seems too good to be true and it just may be..." Then, once the addict gets out of treatment, far too many times, it does prove too good to be true...In fact, many an addict has said, "It was so easy to stay sober when I was in treatment...But dealing with the real world is a whole other story..."

Indeed, this nightmare of making it out the doors and into the arms of one's dealer or local liquor store clerk, happens far too often - often not immediately after treatment, but often within the first few months. And what a difficult first few months they often are of navigating aftercare, 12 step meetings, halfway houses, finding a sponsor, home life, job search or readjustment, family relationships... and all of this without one's drug of choice!

So, what is there to do to help addicts and alcoholics stay sober once they get out of treatment?

Over the past few years, as the field of coaching has evolved, a specialized group of recovery coaches has emerged to help solve just that problem.

These recovery coaches, often few and far between, but extremely dedicated, work closely with family, addict, treatment center and other facilities in contact with the addict, to smoothe the transition from treatment to aftercare 12 step program to halfway house to home to job or school and back into the 'real world'.

Often, a person's recovery coach is the one person who stays the same in a world of shifting helpers and services that the addict faces as they move from active addiction into recovery.
Often hired by the family to work directly with the addict, a recovery coach may come into play before sobriety to help the addict get into treatment, or even toward the end of treatment, when transitional issues begin to arise.
The coach's job is to get to know the individual and help them go within themselves to:

discover the goals they want/need to reach
develop an action plan to reach those goals
take the step-by-step actions necessary to fulfill the goals and action plan.

The coach is specially trained to form an interactive partnership with the client that serves as a springboard and a home base as the client navigates the challenges and changes confronting him or her along the way. The value of this relationship has become so evident that currently, several states are training people they call Recovery Support Specialists to help bring addicts off the streets, get them the services they need and move from stage to stage of the recovery process.

Not therapists, recovery coaches help the client deal with the day to day obstacles that get in their way of staying clean and sober. Often, recovery coaches are in touch with the treatment center to insure a smoothe thread of services and communication on the client's behalf.

Indeed, recovery coaches meet a need the family, and addict yearn for, but that many families cannot provide directly for their loved ones, either because of strains in the relationship or due to physical distance. Family members often hire recovery coaches to help their addicts beat the odds. While there are no guarantees with this disease, recovery coaches can and do give their clients a point of continual contact - and that can be the difference an individual needs to make it in the daunting world of early recovery!

Readers, please note:

These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping People in Recovery Find Their Way
786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/ (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/ (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/ (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

Stay in Present Time!

2009-12-01T21:13:00.001-05:00

The Mind Can Only Focus On One Thing At A Time.

So, anytime you find your mind moving toward obsessing about something or someone that you know is not best for you to pursue, shift your focus to the present moment, watch your breath as it moves in and out of your body, and state what you are doing at that moment (washing the dishes, walking the dog, etc.).

Focus your attention on the task in front of you and simply say what you are doing out loud such as “I am now peeling the carrot” or “I am now placing my hands around this cup and raising it to my mouth.” Be clear and specific and listen to what you are saying as you focus on your words and on what you are doing.

Make a list of all of the things you enjoy doing and do one of them with your attention focusing on whatever it is you choose, as stated above. Below are some of the present moment tasks you might choose to use this exercise with, but the point is, you can bring yourself into the present moment with this exercise anytime you find your mind obsessing about anything. Simply breathe in and out slowly and deliberately and state what you are doing aloud.

The more you interrupt your obsessive thoughts with this exercise, the more present-moment- focused you will become and the less your obsessive thoughts will be able to run you!

1. Play a game with your child.

2. Read a book.

3. Play a game of solitaire .

4. Take a walk.

5. Bathe the dog.

6. Sing a song.

7. Go to a meeting.

8. Watch a movie.

9. Have a cup of tea.

10. Write in your journal.

11. Take several deep slow breaths

12. Do a series of stretching exercises and clear your mind.

13. Write a story, a play, a poem, a song or a book.

14. Draw or paint a picture.

15. Create a quilt or dress focusing on the in and out of each thread as it moves through the fabric.

16. Make a phone call to someone in your support network.

17. Take a bath or a shower.

18. Get a massage.

19. Wash your car.

20. Clean your house.

21. Use a toothbrush to clean the tiles in the bathroom.

22. Vacuum your carpet.

23. Clean the windows in your house.

24. Have a good cry.

25. Write a letter to the person or addiction, read it to your coach, sponsor, or other support person and then rip it up.

26. Kick a soccer ball around.

27. Play a game of tennis.

28. Go to the gym.

29. Get an EMDR treatment.

30. Read some 12 step literature.

31. Work your steps.

32. Teach your child a new skill.

33. Practice patience with your child and notice yourself doing so.

34. Watch reruns of your favorite TV show.

35. Add more ideas to this list and add them to your day.

36. Enjoy your life.

37. Write a gratitude list.

38. Say the Serenity Prayer.

39. Join a club or organization that does fun things together so you can meet other people.

40. Do volunteer work.

41. Get a job.

42. Join Parents Without Partners.

43. Live your life fully by staying in present time, one moment at a time!

by Beverly A. Buncher, The Empowerment Coach

Recovery Coaching to Help You Find Your Way!

www.theempowermentcoach.net

786 859 4050

Is There Hope For My Addict?

2009-12-01T10:36:00.004-05:00

Is there hope for my addict?

What a question. Everyone who’s ever loved an addict has simultaneously asked and not dared to ask this question. And so the answer is, "Of course there is hope." As long as he or she is alive there is hope. But then the next question is the tricky one: So what can I do to help? (I being the person asking the question – the wife, husband, mother, sister, child, friend, co-worker, etc.)

The best thing any of us can do to help our addicts is to get help ourselves. Getting help for ourselves? You may ask. What’s up with that? I’m fine. It’s my addict who is crazy. What kind of help do I need?

The cold hard facts about how those affected by the addiction of a loved one will end up, are not too different from those that describe an addict's possible fates. Just as there are only four ends for an addict: Jail, Institution, Death, or Recovery; so, too for the family member.

Whereas for the addict it looks like this:

Jail – for breaking the law while under the influence

Institution (Inpatient Mental Health Facility) – because the drugs or alcohol have so toxified their mind that they are no longer living in the real world or wish to kill themselves

Death – due to overdose, cirrhosis of the liver, heart attack, bullet wound, or other fatal attack to their body

Recovery – which happens when they take personal responsibility for their life and turn it around

For the family member it can play out as:

Jail – because we kill them for all "they have done to us”

Institution (Inpatient Mental Health Facility) – because “they have driven us crazy"

Death – only we die of a broken heart or a stress-related illness

Recovery – which happens when we put the focus on ourselves and decide to move forward toward a healthy mindset, whether the addict continues to use or not.

I’ll never forget the first time someone told me about the four ends of an addict. I was sobbing on the phone about my person of concern’s behavior, going on and on about what they were doing to themself, to me, to our finances, etc. When I stopped to get a breath, the person I was talking to, said, “Well, you know, you really have no control over what will happen to them. In fact, there are only 4 possible ends to an addict and, we really have no idea if your addict will be one God uses as an example of the possibilities of recovery or of the consequences of unabated use.”

Her words shocked and stung me. My tears stopped and anger filled my heart and mind. I slammed the phone down and told myself I would never talk to her again.

But then, as I gave her message time to sink in, I recalled the rest of what she said: “So, the only guarantee for you, the only thing you will absolutely be able to count on, is, that if you decide to work a recovery program, you will be okay. Your life will move forward. You will no longer be in constant inner turmoil and filled with dread and anxiety.”

Then she added, “And the best chance your family member has to get well, is for you to be so busy working on your own recovery that you begin to serve as a role model of recovery rather than as a nag and hindrance to theirs.”

Of course, I didn’t see myself as a hindrance, but I did have to admit that all of my best efforts had not achieved my goal of sobriety for my addict.

And so, I began, in earnest, to get the help I needed for me. In time, I learned how to communicate more effectively with my addict and the people around me. I learned how to not let things well up within me so that they came out shrill and angry, but rather calm and thought provoking. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to build a life for myself that I was slowly but surely learning how to live with joy and fulfillment, regardless of other people’s behaviors.

This is the journey of recovery for us: It is a road packed with ups and downs, ins and outs, highs and lows. But is is a journey we can take and improve upon and grow from and impact on and cherish as long as we work with the principles of recovery and apply them to ourselves on a daily basis.

Over the years, I have had a wonderful sponsor who has guided me; I have, just as the Big Book of AA promises “watched a fellowship build around me”, and I have, from time to time, hired helpers in the form of coaches, therapists, and spiritual guides to assist me on my journey.

I became a recovery coach to help others on their journey. I still believe that we, the family members, are our addicts’ best hope for recovery. Not because we make them get better. Rather because we get better ourselves and when we do that everything around us is affected. By keeping the focus on ourselves, we learn about what it means to have healthy interactions with others as well. And that is transformative.

As it says in the Naranon Blue Book: “Myself I can change. Others I can only love.”

Please note:

These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with ideas to contemplate. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world, in person, on the phone, and online. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* http://www.alanon.org/
* http://www.nar-anon.org/
* http://www.gamanon.org/
* http://www.s-anon.org/
There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you or someone you love would benefit, I would be happy to speak with you or someone you know who is affected by the addiction of another person. Let’s have a confidential, complimentary consultation to talk about how we might work together to jumpstart your own recovery journey and perhaps even that of those around you.

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Recovery Coach
Recovery Support Specialist
Helping People in Recovery Find Their Way
786 859 4050
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/ (Focus on You! - for family and friends of addicts)
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/ (Life Purpose in Recovery)
http://www.recoverycoachbev2.blogspot.com/ (Treatment Professionals in Recovery)

Attitude of Gratitude

2009-11-25T22:52:00.003-05:00

Gratitude, the theme of Thanksgiving day, can be hard to conjure when the world around us seems to be falling apart due to addiction and its consequences. But conjure it we must. Not only because of the holiday, but even more because it is one of the keys to the castle of serenity and well-being that is our birthright whether or not the addict is drinking or drugging.

I've heard it said that 'gratitude is the plug into the power of the universe' and I believe this to be true. When I begin my day with gratitude, I feel a surge of energy and happiness, a reminder of that which is good and right in my life and in the universe, no matter what is going on.

Let's face it: When things are tough for any reason (addiction, finances, lost job, lost love, the state of the world, etc.), it can be difficult to put the focus on what is going right. Yet, that's when it is so important to do so. The old saying 'That which you put your attention to grows stronger in your life' is more than a truism. Everytime we break through the negativity in our lives and put our attention on what's going right, we give strength to that rightness in our hearts and minds, and the rightness, the things we are grateful for expand in our lives.

But don't believe me. Try it for yourself. Begin each day with a list of the people, places, and things you are grateful for. Find at least five things each day and watch your list grow as you increase the power of your attention to the people, places, and things that bring you joy! Do it for 25 days. Start with just doing it in the morning and feel free to send your lists to this blog as comments!

Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy the day by keeping the focus on you and what you are grateful for.

With Love and Thanksgiving for all of you in my life!

Recovery Coach Bev
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
786 859 4050

THINK

2009-11-11T07:35:00.003-05:00

What does this 12 slogan mean when it comes to living, loving, and/or working with an addict?

To think is to breathe deeply and to allow first impulses to pass before determining action. This is extremely important when it comes to dealing with a person under the influence or recovering from being under the influence.

It is in fact, the difference between reacting and responding, going off the handle and staying calm, being at effect or being at cause.

Let's take an example: Let's say the person you care about (who happens to be an addict or alcoholic) just made a decision to spend all of your savings on a second honeymoon for the two of you in Hawaii. Naturally, you may be filled with conflicting emotions: romanticism, nostalgia for when you could actually afford such a trip, anger that they would even think of investing your emergency fund in a two week vacation, frustration at their impulsivity, sadness that you cannot afford this wonderful trip plus be able to save for a rainy day, madness that they made such an important decision without consulting you.

So, what do you do?

For many codependents, we are so used to having to react quickly to situations, that we simply freak out, say whatever comes to our minds, impulsively say yes and then no, no and then yes, etc...

But what does THINK guide us to do?

Stop for a moment and breathe slowly, deeply, deliberately. Let it sink in. Watch all of the thoughts of anger, criticism, happiness, sadness, fear, etc., pass.

We may say the Serenity Prayer in order to center ourselves within. (God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.)

Then, we might just say something, like, "Wow. This is huge. Let me take a moment to think about this one. You made a big decision there. I've got to take this one in."

And if necessary, more breaths and centering.

THINK is like that. It's a STOP sign we put up in front of our mouths, while our hearts and minds take in what we have just heard or seen.

At that point, we may feel calm enough to share how we feel about the situation, calmly and lovingly, or we may say something like, "That is an interesting idea. I need some time to think about it. Do me a favor and don't reserve the tickets until I have some times to gather my thoughts, okay?"

Handling a situation calmly gives you time to respond fully, thoughtfully, and carefully, while allowing you to treat your loved one with dignity and respect. Once you have had that time, whether five minutes, five hours, or five days, you will have a completely different perspective than you had in the heat of the moment. You will be able to use "I" statements and "you" messages in a calm tone of voice that reflects the serenity you have worked to maintain through your prayer and meditation life. You might say, calmly and lovingly, "Honey, when you make a decision for the two of us without consulting me and with our funds so limited, I feel touched that you want to spend time with me in such a special place, and at the same time, extremely worried about our finances, and even angry not to have had a voice in the decision."

For many of us, responding in such a calm, detached way feels like it would be difficult and even fake. But when the alternative is a bunch of expletives and anger spewed out that could damage the relationship even further than it already is damaged, writing down and even rehearsing a loving response to the impulsive irratic behavior our addicts sometimes exhibit, is really not a bad idea. What we are doing is going from reacting (just saying whatever hits us at the time) to responding (hearing, listening deeply, thinking, reflecting, and then giving our ideas and feelings in a thoughtful, loving manner).

But what if the situation demands an immediate response? What if your loved one shows up completely drunk or high and you need to act quickly? Again, THINK can come in handy.

Take that deep breath before you open your mind. Remember the tools you have in your arsenal such as First Things First, How Important Is It?, Easy Does It, The Serenity Prayer.

Even when you must respond quickly, the key is to THINK first, to gather your inner resources and to RESPOND, not react, to the circumstance.

It is possible to be a loving person, even in a difficult situation, but not when you are allowing your impulses to take over.

You may be angry or sad to see your loved one in such bad shape, but that does not give you the right to call them every name in the book or to put them down. Even if it did give you that right, it wouldn't do any good. Remember, talking to someone who is under the influence is like talking to a wall. Rather, you might do anything from showing them the door, to giving them a sofa to sleep on, getting yourself and your children away from them, to calling the cops. Each situation will warrant a different response. And it is your frame of mind, your ability to collect yourself by taking that moment to get spiritually centered and THINKING on your feet, that will allow you to handle the situation with your God-given dignity and grace, rather than returning insanity with insanity. While you are taking that moment, you may take the phone, go into another room, and call your sponsor (12 step guide) or your coach to get another perspective from someone not directly affected by the situation.

Living, loving or working with a person addicted to a harmful substance or behavior can be one of life's greatest challenges. Using the tools of the 12 step programs to develop our inner calm and awareness, can make it one of life's greatest gifts.

So the next time you are confronted with a difficult situation, in your face, try to THINK rather than just react, use your tools to respond with your inner dignity and grace intact.

In the meantime, have a wonderful week and Keep the Focus on You!

All the best!

Beverly Buncher
aka Recovery Coach Bev
786 859 4050
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/
http://www.recoverycoachbev.blogspot.com/
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net

Please note:
These blogs are designed to provide those who love, live and/or work with addicts with food for thought. They are not designed to replace the wonderful support available to co-addicts in programs like naranon, alanon, gamanon, and s-anon. These 12 step programs offer meetings all over the world. You can find their listings on their web sites:
* www.alanon.org
* www.nar-anon.org
* www.gamanon.org
* www.s-anon.org

There are people at these meetings who have dealt and continue to deal with the rampage that addiction can bring into the lives of those affected by someone else's using. Feel free to call me to find out more or to check out their websites for more information.

In addition, having a coach can intensify the pace of growth in these areas. If you feel you would benefit, give me a call or send an email and let's have an introductory, no-obligation session.

What does surrender look like?

2009-11-04T12:31:00.001-05:00

Surrender. Let it go. Let go and let God.These are words that we hear in 12 step meetings and say to each other in between. When it comes to relating to people, places and things outside of ourselves, sometimes it's either surrender or die inside. Yet, we often hold on, afraid of what will happen if we let go.

Indeed, one of the hardest things to face is that addicts need us to be role models of sane living more than they need us to take care of them.

So, what does it mean to surrender and how do we do it?

First of all, for our purposes, we will define surrender as " to give up". In order to keep the focus on ourselves, we need to give up control of another person, place or thing. We relinquish this control to the care of the Higher Power of our understanding. And the reason why we do so is that we are finding that the controlling we have been doing has not been achieving the result we wish it to achieve... and even if it has been, the price we have paid for that control, in terms of lost peace of mind and sanity, has been far too high.

"But," any good codependent will counter, "if I don't control my addict/husband/wife/brother/grown child, etc., they'll fall apart! They need me to take care of them. Believe me, I'd like nothing more than to let them handle their life, but without me they'd fall apart completely. And i just couldn't cope with that! It would kill me!"

So, then comes the next question: How good a job are you doing? And at what price to you personally?

The fact is that most of the time, when we are taking care of things others are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, a few things happen:
1. we stop taking care of important parts of our own lives
2. they come to rely on our help and don't use or ever develop their own capacity to take responsibility for their own lives.
3. even worse than that, when we use our time or money to handle their responsibilities, they don't have to use theirs...

In the case of an addict or alcoholic, this can be deadly. Literally. After all, they have to do something with their leftover time and money. - Wait, I know, could it be buy and use drugs???

When we say "uncle" or "I give up God. You help him." we are starting a new journey toward taking care of our lives and being the role model of sanity that we are promised to become by working the steps.

Let's look at this whole idea of why we don't want to surrender:
There could be a few reasons: fear of what will happen to the addict, fear of how we will cope with not knowing, fear of how we will cope if something happens to the addict, and no idea of how to live our lives without the addict at the center of it.

To all of these there is a simple answer.
First, realize that you are not God. That what you have been doing has not been working, that in fact it is hurting not only the addict, but you as well.
Second, realize that there is a Power greater than you who will help you live a happy and sane life and can potentially do the same for the addict or alcoholic in your life, if you will JUST GET OUT OF THE WAY.

It's the simplest idea, yet so difficult to implement. When we have wrapped our lives around others for so long, to simply unentangle our grasp can be a major undertaking. That is why the idea of surrendering, of letting go, is so powerful. We are not simply abandoning our loved ones. Rather, we are giving them over to a Power that can truly make a difference in their life, should they decide to participate.

In the meantime, when we let go, we can build a happy meaningful life for ourselves.

So let go and let God. Allow your addict or alcoholic or other loved one whom you have been carrying to grow up by no longer carrying them. Let God carry them and you.

And remember, you don't have to go it alone! There are 12 step programs for family members where you will find others who can help you walk this path successfully along with them!

And if you feel a coach would help, feel free to give me a call as well.

Until next week, Focus on Yourself!

Please post your comments and questions. I would love to hear your perspective!

All the Best,

Bev
aka recoverycoachbev
786 859 4050

Threats Don't Work! Try this instead... - Part Two

2009-10-28T23:16:00.002-04:00

So, since our last get together, you made your list of all the delightful and horrible traits, behaviors and memories you remember and have of your active addict. And, if you're really serious about your family's recovery from the family disease of addiction you've attended or are planning to attend a meeting or two of one of the family support groups (naranon, alanon, or s-anon to name a few). So, now that you're consciously aware of the many wrongs your addict has committed over the years, and of the fact that you may have been making empty threats with no teeth, what do you do now?

The first thing is to look at that list, the one with all of the uncomfortable stuff on it and then look at the list of the good memories. Next, take a deep breath and make a commitment to do something really difficult: Be a mirror to your addict. Being a mirror to your addict is another way of saying, sit down, with him or her and tell them what you know, what you see, what you are aware of about his or her behavior, without judgment, without spite, without anger, without bitterness. In other words, like a mirror, just reflect back the behaviors and attitudes you are seeing your addict exhibit and how you feel about it. If you have never done this before in a non-judgmental way, it may be the most difficult thing you have ever done. But, once you learn how to do it, you will be able to stay current with your addict and with other people in your life and just tell it like you see it, describing what you see, like a mirror.

For instance, "Gerry, you know I really love you and I've been thinking a lot about what I've been seeing in you lately and I want to share it with you. I'm not doing this for arguments' sake, but rather, just to let you know what I'm seeing, so you will be able to see your behavior through someone else's eyes. So, there is no need for you to defend yourself. Just listen and then do with the information what you will. I decided it would not be honest or loving for me to see all of these things and not let you know, so I'm letting you know what I see because I really care about you."

Then, just list them. Tell him about the times he came in at 4 am with lipstick on his shirt and a body that reaked of alcohol. Tell her about the way she looks lately, the bags under her eyes and the torn up clothing. Let him know that you are aware of all of his lies about where his money is going and be as specific as possible. Tell her that you know about the drug addicts she has been hanging around with at school and that you found that marijuana in the car the other day. If possible, show it to her. Tell him about the calls from work asking where he was and how when you asked him about it, he told youhe was there, they just couldn't find him and that when he told you that lie, the twitch he always gets when he lies showed up. Tell her about the calls that have been coming to the house and how whoever was on the other end hung up as soon as you answered. Tell him how many days he has slept in and missed work. Tell her how many times you've seen her running to the bathroom right after dinner and heard her throwing up through the bathroom door. Tell him how much money is missing from the account, how many necklaces or other jewels are missing from your collection. Be clear, concise, concrete, dispassionate, objective. You are not judging or looking down on your friend or relative. You are simply describing behaviors and consequences as if you were describing something you had noticed and found interesting, but did not particularly affect you either way.

The value of doing this confronting objectively, without emotion, is that by doing so, you are allowing the addict to experience the effect of hearing the actual behaviors as if seeing them for him or herself, without your bias or judgement. This allows it to sink in better and to not be deflected back to you. If he or she interrupts or tries to justify or tell you that things are really like that, remind them that you are not accusing or judging, rather, you are simply describing what you are seeing. If they see something different, so be it. But right now, it is your turn to share your perspective with them and you are not really interested in hearing their thoughts on the incidents at this time. Instead, you just want to ask them to sit and listen.

At the end, you might thank them for listening and let them know how much you care about them and are concerned for their wellbeing and that you really want your husband, wife, son, or daughter back. Then, if you feel so inclined, give them a kiss on the cheek or forehead, stand up and walk away.

It is crucial that you do this without judgment, anger or cynicism or they will not be able to hear you. It will be difficult to do so, so you may want to rehearse a few times or have a copy of the list in front of you when you share it. Keep breathing deeply as you share it in order to keep yourself calm.

Interestingly enough, you may not get through all of it in one sitting. You may have several opportunities to share parts of it...These could come on the tail end of other behaviors that come up along the way (after the addict has sobered up or come down from a high of course). Each will provide you with an opportunity to simply tell the addict what you see as it is happening, again, without judgment or anger. And, if you are calm enough, you can add, 'this concerns me because it reminds of the time you..." and there you have another opportunity to feed back some of what you are seeing with some of what you have seen in the past, again, dispassionately, so the addict can hear what you are saying rather than get caught up in HOW you are saying it.

For some addicts/alcoholics, etc., it will be necessary to hear these things several times, each time a little differently, always in a thoughtful tone, as if you are simply reflecting on their behavior, and willing to be a mirror, not a judge of what is going on with them. Always remember, in the back of your mind, all of the things you love about your family member (remember list one?). If you can keep that list in mind as you speak of their challenging behaviors, it will help you to stay calm.

If you find they will not let you do this sharing, for whatever reason, or that, even after repeating things several times it does not seem to be sinking in, or that you are not able to share this information quietly and calmly, as the process requires, you may want to put it into a letter instead. If you choose at some point to write a letter, the sandwich method often works well:
Part one (bread): write about why you are writing the letter: I love you so much and I have concerns about how you are living your life these days and I want my husband/wife/daughter/son back. In this part, talk about all the things you love about him/her and how much they mean to you.
Part two (the meat): write your list of all the things you have seen them doing/saying/being over the last several weeks/months/years that are of concern to you. Again describe these factually, without judgment, anger or condemnation.
Part three (bread): reiterate how much you care and how you want your family member back and what needs to happen in order for that to happen (whether it is them going into treatment or getting some other form of help).

While there are no guarantees that this will turn the corner, it has done so for some addicts who say that seeing all of their behaviors in writing broke through their denial enough for them to see that they needed help.

Of course, it is crucial that you actually intend to and are willing to and strong enough to follow up on any boundaries or ultimatums you set up in your letter. This is easier said than done, and it is often helpful to have a support group, sponsor, and/or coach to help you do so. You do not have to go it alone. Many have gone before you and support abounds. You just have to be willing to ask. It can be a long road to family healing, but when family members start working the support programs of alanon, naranon, s-anon, gamanon, etc., they are giving their addicts a greater chance of recovery. This is because they are learning skills for being in relationship with an addict while no longer contributing to the disease. Having a coach, therapist, or spiritual director who understands addiction, codependency and recovery can also be extremely helpful and for many co-addicts, is essential.

These tips are just the 'tip' of the iceberg of what you will learn as you walk your recovery journey. And their effective implementation will be much easier, the more you have worked on yourself, kept the focus on your own recovery and gotten to know your own strengths and limitations in terms of what you will and won't live with in your relationships. A life of sanity for YOU is STILL possible whether the alcoholic/addict is still behaving insanely or not. Just KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOU!, get to a meeting on the phone or in person, and join me again next week for another entry of Focus on You!

Have a great week!

With love and recovery,

Recovery Coach Bev
recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net
http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/
http://www.recoverycoachbev1.blogspot.com/
786 859 4050

Threats Don't Work! Try this instead... - Part One

2009-10-17T08:57:00.001-04:00

Has the addict in your life ever done something over the top? Something that has led you to feel worse than before about his or her using, to feel less able to to go on with things as they have been?

If so, what was your next reaction? A threat? An ultimatum? And then what? Did you follow through? Did you move out or get them to?

Or, did they threaten back and intimidate you? Did you back down, doubt your own interpretation of reality and let things go back to the way they were?

Living with and/or loving a person in active addiction can be one of life's greatest challenges. The person you once knew is now being run by a compulsion to use or act in ways that supersede their desire to please you, to be with you, to love you. And that shows up in how they put their pill, fix, drink, food, or behavior first, before you..almost all the time.

It can happen slowly or quickly, but either way, the growth of addiction in a loved one takes a great toll on the people in the addict's life. After awhile, being treated like second best grates on you; being disregarded, disrespected, taken for granted, and as time goes on, being stolen from, lied to, abused and often ignored, can even become unbearable.

So that takes us back to the question: When things get unbearable for you, how do you react? Do you threaten to leave? And if so, do you follow through?

There is nothing wrong with being fed up or wanting out of a difficult situation. In fact, that sounds pretty normal. Being abused or neglected due to someone's addiction can be unbearable.

But, what is your goal? Is it to get out or to make things better? And most importantly, what are you REALLY willing to do about it (not what do you fantasize about doing, but what are you totally committed to doing about it to make things better for yourself and/or your family)?

It's important to explore your real intentions and your degree of inner strength to follow through at this point because if you don't, you may find yourself making empty threats over and over again while things at home go from bad to worse.

And 'there's nothing wrong with that', to coin a Seinfeld phrase, unless, of course, you want things to get better...

If you do want things to get better, consider ending the constant stream of threats. Instead, here is part one of a few tips you might try instead:

1. Take out a pad of paper and draw a vertical line down the middle.

On the left side, write everything you love about your addict. All of the wonderful things you know about him or her, even if you hardly ever see those things showing up in his or her life anymore. Don't hold back, even if you are angry now. Scour your memory banks. Find the funny little smile, the random acts of kindness, the brilliance emerging before the drug or fix took over... list as many traits, memories, characteristics as you can remember. Try not to leave anything out! This exercise will help you remember why you really love the person behind the addiction, what brought you here in the first place either as parent, lover, spouse, or friend.
Then, on the other side, list everything the addict has said or done that has made you forget their wonderful traits; every lie, every unkindness, every inconsistency, every abusive behavior, every missing dollar, every broken appointment, every tear they caused. List the ways in which they neglected you and your family, the people they let down, the strange things they said to cover up the inconsistent behaviors, the objects you found in your home that didn't belong there, the people you ran into who told you strange stories, etc. Try to remember everything - every hurt, every pain, every double-take. What you are doing right now is putting a sword through the denial that has allowed you to live in this alternate reality of active addiction without completely going mad. The irony of denial is that all of us reach a certain point where, if we don't break through the denial, it will drive us mad...So, this exercise helps us break through and face what is really going on in our lives, consciously. It will be painful, but also cathartic, and potentially very helpful in making things better. So, go for it.

2. Once you have your lists, look them over and decide which reality, which person, so to speak, you would rather live with, which person you want in your life.(Don't use the answer 'obvious' to keep you from making the actual lists. If you haven't done that yet, go back and do them. It's crucial to your recovery and to the addict's chances of getting well, too.) Then, make a decision as to whether or not you want that person enough to fight for them, for their healing, for your relationship.

3. If the answer is yes, it's time to start figuring out what you are going to do to attempt to get the husband, wife, son, daughter, significant other, or friend who you remember, the one you knew before their addiction took over, back into your life.

This process is a delicate one, and truth be told, there are no promises that whatever you do will give you the results you want. But, making a list is a start. It lets you know what you are missing, breaks through the denial that has the family in its bind, and, if nothing else, advances your own recovery from the family disease of addiction.

In our next issue of Focus on You, we will talk about what you can do next to help your family recover from this family disease. In the meantime, have you considered trying one of the family support group meetings? Alanon (http://www.alanon.org/), Naranon (http://www.naranon.org/). S-anon (http://www.s-anon.org/). Each of these groups is filled with people like you, working through the challenges of living, loving, and/or working with a person addicted to something that is destroying the fabric of their life and that of their family and friends.

Alanon is for familis of alcoholics (but many people go whose addicts are addicted to all kinds of things, from food, to gambling, to drugs)
Naranon is for families of drug addicts (alcohol is included as a drug)
S-anon is for families of sex and love addicts.

Coaching can help a great deal as well as you try to sort out the feelings, lies, and realities of the disease. To learn more about how coaching might help you cope with the addiction of someone you love, go to www.theempowermentcoach.net/coachingforcodependents.html

See you next time when we Focus on You will focus on next steps that you can take instead of the empty threats that haven't gotten the addict to stop so far!

First Things First

2009-10-12T23:22:00.003-04:00

Have you ever found, when things seem overwhelming, that your mind is racing?

Random thoughts that have been wandering through your mind have taken over, gotten the power to control your feelings, and helped you to forget who you really are and what your life is really all about. Suddenly, you are allowing your thoughts to terrorize you with 'what ifs' and 'yeah buts' that could drive anyone crazy.

At those times, it helps to take a slow, deep breath, and then watch yourself exhale that breath, repeating the awareness of in and out several times, with as much focus as you can calmly muster.

Once the breath has calmed down a bit, see if you can watch the thoughts that are running rampant in your mind with a sense of non-judgment and pure objectivity. Imagine that each one is encased in a cloud just traveling by, rather than taking root in your heart, mind, and belief system. When you take the time to see your thoughts through this distant, detached lens, you may find your thoughts losing their power to frighten you as powerfully as they have been.

Make a practice of watching your mind, and you will find that as your mind slows down, your thoughts will become less threatening, and your breath will deepen and relax in your chest. Suddenly, especially with practice, the overwhelm will disappear and in its place will be a sense of deep calm, a feeling of being 'in the moment'.

In that moment, ask yourself, what is the next right thing in front of me to do? And then, with a mind rooted in the moment, do it; continuing to maintain a consciousness of your breath and a detached, downright skeptical view of the thoughts that are telling you "it's all too much, I just can't take it, it's killing me," etc., etc., etc.

Because the fact is that life happens moment by moment, and when we simply live each moment as it comes, instead of worrying about the moments that haven't yet come, we CAN handle the most important things in front of us, one at a time, First Things First!

Trust God and Love People!

2009-08-30T15:18:00.002-04:00

This slogan has tremendous power to move us in the direction of trusting people again after the hurt of living with someone whose illness has resulted in so many lies and so much pain.

Trust God and Love People means trust people to be themselves and trust God to walk us through life on life's terms.

If we feel we have to be able to trust people to take care of us, we will be disappointed. But, if we trust that people will be themselves and God will give us the inner strength to walk through whatever happens in our lives, then we can trust both God and other people.

People won't always treat me the way I want to be treated or do what I want them to do. They will be themselves. I can trust them for that and I can trust the God within them to help them become who they are meant to be, and that alone. And that is enough.

God won't always make my troubles go away or fix my issues. If I expect Him to, I will be sorely disappointed. But He will always dry my tears and give me the ability to handle whatever life brings my way. He will give me the sanity to see and experience life in a totally new way. He will give me peace, love, joy, knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. I can trust Him for that and that is enough.

Live and Let Live

2009-08-25T08:46:00.001-04:00

Is the addict in your life slowly but surely taking over your life? Do you find yourself doing more and more for him or her? Are you lending/giving them money and not having anything left for yourself? Are you having to leave work early? Leave your phone on during important meetings "just in case" you hear from them or otherwise twisting your life around theirs in ways that are getting more and more uncomfortable?

If so, read my new report LIVE and Let Live.

You can receive this report for free by going to my website: www.theempowermentcoach.net/CoachingforCodependents.html and filling out the contact form. You will receive your FREE copy of this valuable report within 48 hours!

Don't miss it! It's got information and ideas that will help you AND may even help your addict!

Until then in recovery,

Recovery Coach Bev

PS: After you read it, come back to the blog and write a comment to let me know how it hit you OR, if you prefer privacy, send me an email at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net.

All the Best!

How Important Is It?

2009-08-19T19:46:00.007-04:00

In the middle of a crisis, the question 'How Important Is It?' can really come in handy if you want to lower the situation's emotional temperature. To use it most effectively, breathe in slowly and then breathe out and ask yourself, 'How important is it? Does it effect my breathing?' If the answer is yes, the problem is a big one. If the answer is no, it simply is NOT that important.

But, in all honesty, unless you've done some preparation to keep calm in a crisis, you may find your breathing affected, not because the situation is killing you, but because you've blown the problem out of perspective. The last time I shared the Alanon/Naranon 'How Important Is It?' slogan with someone, we were talking about taking the trash out and the fact that her daughter wouldn't.
"When she doesn't, I get so upset that I can't breathe," the mom shared.

So, let's look at this more carefully. Is the slogan 'How Important Is It?' useful for turning down the temperature of a difficult situation or not?

Breathing of course, is automatic and necessary. The more deeply and slowly we breathe, the calmer we are able to stay, regardless of whether the issue is taking the trash out or watching a loved one slowly or quickly kill themselves with drugs or alcohol. Yet, when a crisis hits, the first thing we often do is panic and stop breathing.

That's why it is said that peace lies not in controlling what happens to us, but rather in whether we respond or react. In other words, we can breathe through the situation, slowly and calmly, as we collect our thoughts and decide how we will respond, or we can react with panic, anger or fear, which will make our breath shallow, our muscles tense, and our minds upset.

Dr. Fred Jones, a teacher of mine, once put it succinctly: "Calm is power. Upset is weakness."

By putting aside 5-10 or even 20-30 minutes each day to develop a calm center of power within ourselves through prayer, meditation, journaling and/or reading inspirational books, blogs, or articles, we are in effect preparing ourselves for those large and small crises that inevitably grace the lives of those affected by a loved one's addiction (and everyone else for that matter). It all starts with the breath - Once we develop a calm presence, we will truly know the difference between what IS important, and what is NOT!

Until next time, keep breathing and let me hear from you!

Recovery Coach Bev
786 859 4050
recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net

How Can I Get Them Sober?

2009-07-28T15:55:00.002-04:00

Feeling lost due to your own or someone else's addictive behavior?

Let the tools I have put together help you!

For a limited time only, please fill out the form on my website at http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/ and you will receive a free copy of my e-book 'How Can I Get Them Sober?' along with email updates from this blog and the website! (Don't worry. I dislike spam, too! So I will NEVER sell or share your information with anyone without your permission.)

the need to fix others is not a good driver for good behavior

2009-07-15T22:09:00.002-04:00

When David Gewirc (Director of The ADD Coach Academy) said these words recently, I was reminded of the way I behave when I'm in 'fix-it'mode. Have you ever been in fix-it mode? If so, you know what I mean.

When a person is in fix it mode, they feel an overwhelming need to change the people, places and things around them. Other ways to define fix-it mode are:

playing God with other people's lives
being a know-it-all
insisting that others do it our way
spending our days and nights thinking up ways to correct others' behavior and then doing everything we can to get them to carry out our will
worrying about their where abouts
lecturing them when their behavior doesn't meet our standards
thinking up fearful thoughts to terrorize ourselves about others' well-being, and then, on the basis of those thoughts, insisting that others do things our way

This mode of operation is often found in families where some sort of addiction is present as well as in many other codependent situations). In a situation that includes addiction, the non-addicted family members have often been traumatized by the addicted person's behavior and they want nothing more than to save their addicted relatives (and themselves) from the consequences of bad thinking and bad behavior. Almost anyone related to an addict and watching their self-destructive behavior would be inclined to do anything possible to fix their addicted relative or friend. Helping someone we love is considered the only option for most people in many situations.

But the problem is, when it comes to dealing with addiction, going into fix-it mode rarely helps the addict get better and often makes things worse.

Here's why:

When the co-addict tries to direct, help or guide the addict, the addict will often resist. Then, filled with frustration, the co-addict will find him or herself pushing back, insisting on the rightness of what s/he wants the addict to do, and the addict will resist more, and before you know it, there's yelling, screaming, threats, crying, and, in some cases, violence.

All of this began with a good intention, but the result is bad behavior that doesn't help anyone. Often, the non-addicted person's behavior becomes so wacky in pursuit of changing the addict, that it creates a scene that is embarrassing, upsetting, and can be dangerous.

If anything, this escalation of emotion and struggle lessens the addict's chances of getting well, thus, having the opposite effect the co-addict desired in the first place when s/he went into fix-it mode.

But, you may ask, isn't the co-addict right? Shouldn't the addict stop seeing their using friends, stop buying and using their drug, stop drinking til they black out, start listening to their sober and obviously wiser relative or friend?

In response, I would say, well they certainly don't see it that way. So, if I try to force a solution on them, chances are, since they are in charge of their life, it won't happen until they see things differently.

Therefore, it behooves me to learn a different way to relate to the addict. One that involves accepting and respecting their right to live their life in their own way and living my own life differently than I have been.

Does this mean I stop trying to help them get clean and sober?

Not at all. It just means I change my tack from one of trying to fix them to one of trying to control my own actions and reactions to their behavior. As counterintuitive as it sounds, only when I keep the focus on my own behavior and on my own life, can I be of potentially significant help to the addict.

Check back in a couple of days, when this blog will discuss the power of letting go and how it can help both the addict and the co-addict get well when the co-addict lets go of the addict's responsibilities and behaviors.

Until then, remember to Focus on You and enjoy all the moments of each day!

"Myself I Can Change. Others I Can Only Love"

2009-07-15T11:48:00.002-04:00

When the Naranon reading On Helping (Little Blue Naranon Book, p. 13) says that we can change only ourselves, it is not saying anything new. Those who are related to addicts and alcoholics know intimately that they cannot change others, because nothing they do to make others change, works. Instead, they are left with anger, fear, sadness, and helplessness...

But then, the quote goes on to say, "Others I can only love..."

For many of us, loving others is what we thought we were doing all along. After all, isn't it loving to sit and watch the addict endlessly, to flush pills down the toilet, pour bottles of alcohol down the sink, beg them to get help, and cry until there's nothing left inside of us to cry with?

According to this quote, "myself I can change, others I can only love..." the answer to this question of whether these desparate behaviors are loving is a resounding NO.

Such behaviors are in fact, the antithesis of being loving. They are in fact, harmful, as they take the addict's attention off of him or herself, and put that attention on what they would call 'your insane, intrusive' behavior.

When the person we are talking about is an adult (and this post is about relating to adults), our only obligation to them is to be a loving person. So, what is loving behavior when it comes to living, loving, and/or working with any person who is addicted to a substance or behavior that is harming them?

Here are a few ideas about what it means to be loving to a person we love we feel is living their life in a way that concerns us.

Being loving to another person, means accepting them as they are, not because we agree with what they are doing or how they are living, but because we value them as human beings.
Being loving to another person, means we respect their right to live life as they see fit.
Being loving to another person, means we focus on living full lives ourselves so that we don't have time to waste closely observing the way they live their lives.
Being loving to another person, means taking care of ourselves very well in all aspects of our lives so that we can act from a sense of fulfillment and inner happiness , rather than from a sense of neediness and discontent. (LIVE and let live)
Being loving to another person means noticing their strengths, their successes and the ways in which they are growing and changing and trying to be better people, rather than always looking at what they need to change in themselves.
Being loving to another person means NOT doing for them what they can do for themselves.
Being loving to another person means thinking before we speak, rather than speaking first and then regretting having said mean or spiteful things out of upset or fear.

Visit this blog again over the next few days and fill out the survey I'll have posted. It'll let you see how you are doing in the category of being a loving person in a healthy way. At the end of the survey, fill in your name and contact information and I'll send you a free information report called "LIVE and LET LIVE! A Guide for Family Members of Addicts."

Do you love or work with an addict or alcoholic? Check out my E-book "How Can I Get Them Sober?" at http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/HowToGetThemSoberEBook.html